THE AFFAIR

I didn’t mean for it to happen

But it did happen

He was fifteen years older

He was very cute

His marriage was troubled

It affected his work

One day, he graded me wrongly

When i went to him to have my work re graded

He looked at me

It was normal for a teacher to look at his student

But this look was different

It was lustful

He stared at my D cups which were fighting to pop out of my shirt

My D cups

The most attractive part of my body

He winked at me

He changed the 69 to an 89.

Then subsequently my C’s became A’s

He would grab me into the store room

And touch my breasts

I loved the sensation

He licked and sucked on my nipples so good

He would touch my “down there”

It became a daily routine and each day we added new adventures

We always prayed never to be seen as we entered the store room

We enjoyed pleasure for ten minutes or less, sometimes more

My moans of pleasure were usually muffled by the cup of his palm

My legs would become like jelly as the shook while he gave me pleasure

My classmates wondered how i got such good grades

i didn’t need to study

No matter what i wrote, i still scored better than them

i could not tell anyone

my conscience was dead too

as long as i enjoyed myself nothing else mattered.

One day mother nature caught up with me

My visitor didn’t come that month, and also the next month

I told him

He didn’t respond

the next day he didn’t touch me

The day after he avoided me

By the end of the week my grades slipped

I went from 99 to 89

From 89 to 79

My breasts were full

I began to fall asleep in my classes

I was always tired

He was no longer friendly

He embarrassed me in front of the class when my answers were incorrect

He scolded me for being tardy

One day i went back to his office,

He was not there

I decided to check the store room

He usually graded our papers there

Unannounced, i showed up to the store room

Bent on all fours was another young girl, just like me

She was in my class

I was shocked

I ran

I cried

All the way home

At night i cried

Next morning

I went back to school

To the class that now gave me misery

A big, burly woman in her sixties was in front of the board

I sat down and listened to her teach

after she left

I asked about him

He was shot

By the woman who loved him

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY EX

It started with the phonecall, the voicemail, the text all in that order.

You got my contact info from a friend and the chase began

You checked on me on your breaks at work, you sent me text messages

We talked for hours, opened up to each other, shread secrets, joys, sadness

The list goes on, we became a part of each others lives

I accepted your burdens, your baggage, your past, your vulnerabilites, your insecurities but mine was a sight for sore eyes.

Only to wake up on a Friday morning to realize the whole thing was over.

I wanted you to realize that i wanted to be there for you like no other

I wanted to take care of you when you were ill

I wanted to grow with you

Then i realized maybe we didnt want the same things,

Maybe i was not worth hanging onto in time of difficulty

Maybe i was not the definition of the women you wanted to spend your lie with even when that was what you said. Actions speak louder than words,

The “maybes” are your problem not mine.

There is no need to hang around because you have picked another, and another

 

I chose to love you

I made the commitment to love you but you faltered

You looked for reasons to leave

I love myself

People love me unconditionally and i find comfort in that knowledge

I am worthy of someone who loves me wholly and completely

I am also worthy of getting unconditional love because it is something i am willing to give.

To anyone reading this, self love is utmost. You are the best thing that will ever happen to someone in your future and dont ever think for one second that you are not good enough.

BABY FEVER TALK:WHO WANTS TO BE MY BABY DADDY?

I dont have children yet.
I used the word yet because I want to have children in the future.
I turned thirty three years old about two weeks ago and now it seems I am behind on the rearing children program. I don’t even have a BOYFRIEND anymore.
A few months ago, I met a guy who had a baby by his ex girlfriend. Usually the fact that a man had a child by another woman would usually be my deal breaker. In this case,all of a sudden I felt she would be ours and I would help raise the child until we were ready to have MINE.
Yes I said MINE, not OURS, I could be selfish sometimes.
I saw myself buying things for a little baby, feeding, watching the child grow, I was excited. I was also fearful because I was not sure how her birth mother would accommodate me sharing her child with the father. It would seem like I was invading her territory. I would feel the same way too especially if the child decided to like me better than her birth mother. (some kids do, after a few cups of ice cream and the talk of Disneyland)
The problem was solved. We broke up.
Now I am by myself in living color trying to figure out
1) How to get another boyfriend/potential husband
2) How to conceive as a wife or a baby mom
I mean both are relatively easy. I am not open minded anymore, when I was younger I had more specs than I do now. I started dropping the specs one by one, some are still very important, others are flaws I can work with.
My ideal child has always been one of mixed breed. The worst part is I am not sexually attracted to someone outside my race so how will that be possible? I have a weakness and a strong obsession for mixed kids, their hair, their eyes and their skin color (that fifty percent of both shades, a mocha latte color). Should I adopt one or go and have one of my own, with my own genes?
I want a set of twins, a boy and girl and then I am good. Like seriously, I would be content with a set of twins.
About ninety percent of my friends have children and eighty nine percent of them are married, so the one percent are single moms. Three to five years ago, our weekend plans were house parties and club events. nowadays I get invitations to baby showers, kids first and second year birthdays. I don’t have a puppy or cat to take to these events talk less of a child. I don’t want to be anti social either, I end up going. I feel my ovaries move as I see little children play, or adventurously look at objects. Their smiles warm my heart, their tears remind me of why I haven’t had any of their species in my house because I don’t have the patience for tears, especially when I don’t know why the child is crying.
I love going to department stores and shopping for my imaginary children though. Picking colors, sizes, it makes me happy but that’s how far it goes.
I do want to have a baby soon, so that my kids will have play dates with my friends’ kids. So that I will be looking sexy and sweet when my child is eighteen, not that typical middle aged parent look.
So that my brother will have a niece or nephew
So that my tv programming will include chidlren’s channels
So that i have an excuse to buy lego and Barbie dolls
So that my hair wont be completely white in my family pictures with my kids ( i have a very interesting amount of gray hair, it started five years ago and no i am not dying my hair)
i think I should have just gotten pregnant in my twenties even though my thirties was my ideal age of starting a family (still waiting).
Oh well!! Let’s just say I have baby fever.
Who wants to be my baby daddy?

BERRY DAKARA IS PREGGO

Last year on April 29th

I put up an open letter on the blog to my dear friend Berry Dakara about conception.

She talked about her inability to conceive on her Youtube Vlog and i responded.

RESPONSE TO BERRY’S VLOG

Fast forward a few months later, the following year, i was sitting with Bobo( my then boyfriend) watching a movie when i got a Whatsapp Message and she told me she was expecting.

I am glad that faith works.

Just believe, its Monday and no matter how hard things are, no matter how bleak everything is always have hope. There is always sunshine after the story Nothing is impossible, dont ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Never allow ego plaay with your emotions. The Spirit brings peace of mind. Berry had almost given up until the weekend of her conception.

I can’t wait for #BabyCocoa to arrive this Summer.

THE 3 AM GUEST #4

I sat up in bed all of a sudden trying to figure out what or who was making the noise. I heard movement inside the house, someone was in the house, I was hearing footsteps. Was it a burglar or an intruder, who could it possibly be, my boyfriend and I were the only two people who had keys to the house and he was out of state for work, I just spoke with him a few hours ago and he didn’t seem to be anywhere around. I nervously got out of bed. I needed a weapon, I could not hold a gun not to even talk of wielding a knife, I had a taser and mace in my purse. My purse was on the carpet by my bedside table. I picked up my purse from the floor and opened it to take the mace and taser out. I heard the footsteps again, a door opened and then closed. My heart skipped a beat, I began to wonder what room the intruder went into, I began to ask myself if it was a good idea to confront the intruder or call the police. I decided to go and face the intruder myself hopefully whoever it was would be caught unawares, I opened the door which was already slightly ajar and tiptoed, the light in the living room and the kitchen was on. A lady was standing by the fridge staring at the picture I had taken with my boyfriend on our last cruise. She left her Michael Kors purse on the kitchen table, she seemed to be well dressed and her perfume smelled really good. She probably felt my presence and turned around to look at me.

THE 3 AM GUEST #3

He usually narrated the happenings of the previous night and I would listen in disbelief as he would recount things I would not even do when I am in my right senses. I had to change. I finally decided to watch comedy. I picked Cedric the Entertainer. I decided to go and get a glass of wine. Reluctantly I got out of bed and went to fridge to get the opened bottle of Stella Rosa I drank two nights ago, I opened the cabinet and got out a wine glass. I opened the contents and poured the wine into the glass. I put the bottle back in the fridge and picked up the glass with my right hand and went back into my bedroom. I set the glass on the night stand and got into the bed. I played the movie and began my Friday night in bed.

I opened my eyes and looked at the digital clock on my bedside table. I don’t remember what time it was when I drifted into sleep. It was 3 am. There was a calm breeze which blew softly, I realized I left the window open. I didn’t want to get up to go and close it, but even then I could not recall opening the window. That was strange. I shut my eyes and tried to sleep when I heard a noise.

THE 3 AM GUEST #2

I am not about to start that kind of life this year, my girl friends had no spending and also no drinking limits, I had resolved to taking a break from the kind of life that either leaves me broke or pushed out from a bar or night club in a wheel chair. In three months, I would turn thirty one and I had to really become about that adult life. I got into my bed and grabbed the remote control which was tucked in between my pillows. I decided to watch a movie on Netflix, I began to use my remote control to scroll through the recommendations, I also had to decide between comedy and drama. My phone began buzzing, it was my boyfriend who was out of town for work.

ME: Hey

HIM: Hey, what’s up, I haven’t heard from you all day.

ME: Sorry about that, I have had a busy day.

HIM: Same here, where are you?

ME:  I am at home in bed

HIM: You are not out with the girls?

I rolled my eyes, even Lawrence knew that on a Friday night, I would be out with my girls especially when he was not in town. Some nights I would drunk text or dial him all emotional or just plain telling me to come and take me home, by morning I would have forgotten about what happened the previous night and I would be filled with shame