Self Preservation vs Friendship

We have all had that one friend at some point in time in our lives who was madly in love with someone. So in love that they defied logic in dangerous situations.

I have been that friend more than once. Watching a friend fall in love with someone is a beautiful thing especially when the love is being reciprocated . You hear stories of their romance, it’s beautiful.

It becomes a problem when you happen to find out that your friend is being cheated on.

Do you tell your friend when you find out or just happen to know that they are being cheated on?

A few years ago, I would say yes to the question above without thinking about it twice but from the experience I have had, I am safer not saying anything. It sounds like a bad thing but it’s better than those mean glances and hurtful words. Stuff like that would make me ask myself

“Why did you tell her?”

Five years ago, a friend of mine called me on the phone to tell me that she found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her. I knew the facts, I didn’t know what she knew so I waited for her to tell me.

Her version of the story was a little warped. She said the female was the one who was after her boyfriend, but it was the other way around. I was mildly acquainted with the chic and her friend had told me about it already with screenshots of the message. My friend sat there telling made up stories about the innocent poor girl not knowing she had a “he goat” of a boyfriend.

I am a pretty straightforward person, so I told her the correct version of the story, the one I was aware of. I told her she needed to check her man. I was ready to help her see the truth at that point by all means, that was where I made the mistake. As much as she was able to listen, she could not handle the information. She told me she was going to call me back because she wanted to call him and confront him. In my head I thought, “Does she really think he would tell her the truth at this point, four months pregnant with a wedding less than a month away?”.He had a lot to lose.

She never called me back, she blocked me on Facebook and uninvited me to her wedding. She became cold towards me and stopped taking my calls. I was somewhat unbothered especially as I knew I had done the right thing but it hurt that she could not see that I valued our friendship and was willing to make the scales fall of her eyes. We got back to being cordial a year ago, but still.

In cases like this, I learned the lesson never to open my mouth. I would rather be quiet and the reason is because some people cannot handle information like that, it is at that moment that their emotion interferes with logic and the deliverer of bad news becomes their enemy, you become the jealous friend in their eyes.

Meanwhile your intention was merely to save them from their impending doom. I would love for my friends to tell me, who wouldn’t but we all know the end game.

1. You tell your friend

2. She confronts the guy.

3. Tears are shed.

4. Make up sex

The next thing they start avoiding you like God put the ten plagues of Egypt on your head. No thanks I will pass.

Advertisements

THE COOLEST MONKEY IN THE JUNGLE

Happy New Year Trybe

Positive Vibes Only in 2018.

So……. I am starting my first post of the year as a piece that has provoked my thoughts. This H & M Issue with the boy wearing a shirt with the inscription “Coolest Monkey in the Jungle”.

H & M has received fire and brimstone for the advertising and marketing strategy and they have issued an apology.

Yesterday, the mother of the boy took to social media to write that she sees no problem with the shirt and I agree with her. When I first saw the story on TV, I saw nothing wrong with the shirt, its a “young boy’s” shirt, a child of any race could have worn it, if the shirt was not used on the advertising campaign and was placed on the rack for sale, a child of any race, including a black child could have bought the shirt and worn it to school or anywhere else.

We live in a world today where people are so sensitive and also feel entitled to get offended by anything. I just remembered something that happened about three years ago.

I joined “Women Living Well” on Instagram. It is a page for Bible study where you do Bible journaling while reading a chapter in the Bible everyday. I thought the concept was dope so i joined. I told a friend about it and she was excited. So while journaling, there are certain colors you use

For instance

Purple- God, Holy Spirit,

Red- love, kindness, mercy,peace, grace

Orange- prophecy, history, times, places ,kings,oaths,

“Brown/Gray- Satan, sin, hell, death,idols, false teachers, hypocrisy, temptation”

Now my friend got into the color brown, and the first thing that came out of her mouth was ” Oh no, since they are white women, they must be racist” I asked her why she said that.”Why is every bad thing supposed to be highlighted in brown?” I asked what was wrong with brown. She said every bad thing is attributed to  “black/brown people such as sin, death,hell”

In that light she raised my awareness to something that would never have crossed my mind. I didn’t like that form of awareness because a study that is supposed to be relaxing and also informative would now feel overwhelming because I have to worry about why White folks decided to use brown for every negative thing. I replied. “Then change the color, you don’t have to use brown if you are not comfortable with it”

She got upset that I didn’t see things they way she saw them, I understood where she was coming from but it actually defeated the whole purpose of the study. It was taking away from the value of the study not adding to it.

The story I told just highlights how some people read meaning into things that are not relevant. The world has decided to make words offensive because some people say so.

We don’t have to make what is wrong for someone wrong for ourselves. Don’t allow the media to put fear and hate into us. It is sad that there is so much hate in the world and especially towards black people but in our own way let us not always get quickly offended and see how it works. Your reaction matters. Everyone and everything external will get at you, it is how you respond to it that matters.

A chic told me she would stop shopping at H & M. Its funny how people are quick to use controversy to stop patronizing. The “racist” shirt was not handed to them to buy, they were not at gun point to buy the shirt, its a choice, a white kid or an Asian kid could have bought the short, anyone else could have bought the shirt. Africans also joined in the whole saga giving their one cent to the matter, meanwhile the boy’s mom is unmoved. I read some comments that the boy’s mother had been bought by H & M and so she sees nothing wrong. She sees nothing wrong because there is nothing wrong.

There are so many issues that people instantly have felt offended by,

“Mothers breastfeeding in public” is the one that beats me the most. Breast feeding is natural and some people will still offended by it. The best thing is just to do you… Everything else will fall into place. Positive vibes only.

THIS THING THAT MEN DO…….

There is this crazy thing that men do,

I absolutely loathe it.

I guess when you are in your twenties, like early twenties, its not as crazy to do as when you are in your thirties.

I scratch that, it is absolutely not acceptable at all.

So when i scrolled across this tweet on Twitter, I\ had to have the writer make her words “scream” louder, especially for the men  in the back.

Maybe its because i am a straightforward person

But there is this thing that some men do, that I don’t like.

He will approach a lady with the “intentions” of having a relationship or better still marriage.

Then he hits and runs.

So he will spend days, weeks and months on the phone, buy roses and expensive gifts, dates, travel, just create a facade.

After “securing the bag” or rather “getting the cookies”, his behavior changes and before long he is gone. WHY??

I think it also stems from the fact that women like being told only what they want to hear, some women cannot or would not sign up for the “f buddy contract”, it wont even be considered, so to be put more mildly and respectfully, the man would approach the woman and act a movie for a while and then disappear.

“If you do this, may you never have another orgasm in your life” – sherry ShayD

Its a tough situation because most of us females will feel disrespected but at least you know you are not being led on.

I have been approached by this method twice, even though  i found it a little crazy, i gave the guy thumbs up for saying these exact words

“I just want you for one night, i can pay for an executive suite, treat you real good but all i want to do is have sex with you”

At the time i was still a virgin and did not even consider it, looking back now, I admired his courage for being direct from the beginning, it gave me the choice to say “yes” or “no”, not being led like a sacrificial lamb to the altar.

The second guy put it like this “I want to blow your back out”. I read the text message and laughed, I simply replied. “While you are thinking of blowing my back out, i would need my legs to walk around at work tomorrow.” I may have considered it, but blowing my back out made me think i would go to walk with either a limp or bowlegged.

What are your thoughts?

17 Things I Learned In 2017

During Thanksgiving, i wrote that 2017 was the year of the L

While it is pretty true, there are some other lessons i learned too.

  1. I am home.
  2. At the end of the day, the most important person in my life, is myself.
  3. I am not for everybody and I am grateful for that.
  4. Always Pray….
  5. Work hard, Always put extra effort.
  6. Appreciate the people in your life who love you, so many people have died this year.
  7. If a person treats me a certain way,  i believe them, i don’t doubt that feeling.
  8. I am responsible for the things that i said, i am not responsible for what you understand.
  9. I am very bad at taking rejection, its a frightening feeling for me especially when i give my 1000% but at this point i am no longer afraid of disappointing people.
  10. I need to learn to stop being in control of everything and just breathe sometimes.
  11. A person or thing that hurts you does not love you.
  12. My love for people is usually unconditional, some people have taught me that theirs is conditional and i am good for them only when needed.
  13. Everything is temporary, here today, gone tomorrow, don’t take anything for granted.
  14.  Always have more than one source of income. Be a Hustlegod.
  15.  Everyone is not your friend.
  16. Always spend time with yourself, even if it is once a week, Detox from everything and everyone. Enjoy your own company.
  17. Keep your circle small , create memories, make money and be each other’s support system. Very important.

BETWEEN HER LEGS

Those legs

Those thighs lead up to a priceless spot.

Between the legs of a woman is one of the most powerful places ever.
It holds a penis, it can give an orgasm,it can hold a tampon and it is a tunnel for another human to come out of, a human that can weigh between the average of six to nine pounds.

It is sacred.

It holds a lot of power.

Most women don’t know the kind of power they have hidden between their legs.

Some men would pay hundreds of thousands to slide in between the legs of a woman, this is where prostitutes become important, this is where whatever is in between the legs becomes a commodity.

Some men would cheat on their girlfriends or significant others to get in between the legs of another  woman, it could be any other woman, whatever is in between the legs are quite similar, the only difference is how the giver of pleasure gives it to the man.

The want is high, the pleasure is temporary, it lasts but a few minutes but some men have lost their love, their homes, their money, their fame and fortune for what is in between the legs of a woman.

Whatever is in between our legs are not supposed to be hotel rooms for temporary guests.  That are holds a lot of  power, it has the power to make the penis hard during sex while stroking, it gives pleasure and orgasm.

Every month, blood comes from in between the legs for five to seven days non stop which is collected by a tampon or a pad.  This right there is a woman’s power to bleed for so long and not die.

Haven’t we seen accident victims die due to loss of blood, yet we have it coming from in between our legs for several days and we move around like nothing has happened.

A baby’s head comes out from in between the legs. I have watched child births on TV and just the size of some baby heads and how they stretch to come out is amazing.

This is a powerful thing.

If a woman knows the value of “in between her legs” , it wont be a pit stop for men who need a place to rest. The man who wants to be a guest must be willing to stay, or else don’t open the gates of the legs so  the man be a guest and then go away.

Let him see the parts of the body that are visible first and see if he wants to stay, between the legs should be the prize. Simple as that.

This post is written in response to the featured image from this article from a book called by Rupi Kaur called Milk and Honey. 

She writes beautiful poetry and i urge you to read her work.

‘I AM NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP’- HE SAYS

Several years ago, I was dating a guy.

I really liked him. He treated me well,we went out to dinner, spent time doing fun stuff and even going to events together. For eleven months he pushed and pushed for us to have sex. I avoided situations that would put us in the need to have sex and i avoided the topic entirely.

One night, we went to a birthday party at a club. Was too tired to drive home, we got to house and we had sex. I was a virgin. It didn’t even hurt like i expected. Quiet and five minute loss of my womanhood. The sheets were stained. I went home in the morning. We had sex a few more times and then i became attached.

One day, we went out to eat. We got back to the house and then I began asking questions like “Where is this going?” He was taken aback. “What do you mean?”

And then I explained to him, the dates and the sex, when was i going to become his girlfriend. He hit me with “I am sorry but i am not ready for a relationship.”

So i said “if another man comes around, is it okay for me to date them?” He said yes.

He was being truthful. I was in denial. I felt he would change his mind. I spent so much time around him trying to prove my worth. He never did. We remained friends and i mean very close friends. He is getting married in a few weeks to someone else.

When i came across the image for this post, i felt i had to share this story.

First of all i had no need to prove my worth, i was more than enough.

Secondly when a man tells you he is not ready to be in a relationship. He did you a great favor. Accept what he has said and MOVE ON.

Do you want me to repeat what i said? ACCEPT WHAT HE SAID AND MOVE ON.

Do not by any means stay?

You are devaluing yourself in the process.

You just got set free from a rat trap.

No need to stay and prove anything. You don’t need to cook or clean or be a bed partner to someone who doesn’t see himself with you.

So many men would give a lot more to be with you than settling to be less than what you want.

Its easier said than done but looking in hindsight, the time i spent hovering around him like an evil spirit , I would have done better things with my life. I ended up pushing away potentials because I was stuck on someone and expecting him to change his mind.

It doesn’t work that way, do not be available hand and foot to someone who will NOT give you a CROWN. You don’t have to work hard for a CROWN.

Also ladies,before you move to the next dude, upgrade yourself in the process. Its not for the dude, it’s for yourself. Your accomplishments are for you, they are what you bring to the table, so make your table LARGE.

WORLD AIDS DAY

Its been 34 years after the first case of HIV was diagnosed and there is no cure.

In the world today about 37.8 million people are living with the disease.

Sub Saharan Africa has the largest amount of people living with AIDS which is estimated to be amount 29.4 million people.

It has reduced life expectancy at a horrendous rate.

HIV

It is the Human Immunodeficiency Virus. It is found in humans. It multiplies in any environment and when it enters the body, it weakens the system and remains there forever, this retrovirus is the cause of AIDS. HIV attacks the white blood cells which recognize bacteria in the body.

AIDS is called Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. It is a disease that is acquired which does a lot of harm to the immune system by wasting it after making it very weak.

HIV infection occurs through

1.Blood.

2 Semen and Vaginal Fluids.

3.Breast Milk

4.Amniotic Fluids

5. Cerebrospinal Fluids

The virus needs a large concentration to cause infection.

High Risk Fluids: Blood, semen, Vaginal Fluids, Menstrual Blood, Breast Milk

No Risk: Sweat, Saliva, Tears, Skin Oil, Urine

No Exchange: Cerebrospinal Fluids, Amniotic Fluids.

It can be transmitted

  1. Through an infected person having unprotected sex.
  2. Blood transfusion of infected blood
  3. Infection from mother to child during pregnancy, delivery and breastfeeding

HIV is not transmitted

  1. Shaking hands, hugging, kissing
  2. Sharing technological equipment
  3. Sharing utensils
  4. Sharing bathrooms
  5. Sneezing or coughing
  6. Working with a HIV patient

Know your Status.

Always play safe.

INFO: Paramjit Sharma: Basic Information on HIV AIDS

BE BOLD….Take bolder steps in December

Why do we just sit and wait around and hope something happens?

Why don’t we take bolder steps?

Take big and bold steps forward.

Don’t try to be the average Joe. Do big things, make plans that will blow your own mind.

Do not operate below the potential that you have. What are your talents? What is your passion? Hone those things and bring them to life. You will be amazed.

Do not wait till you have enough money to make that bold step.

Fear of failure is always a hindrance, do not be scared to fail. I once used a business model that failed, if it had worked for me, i won’t know half the things i know now and i wont be half as successful. In school we were scared to fail a test or a class looking back today, some people who did well in all their classes don’t have such great jobs or great lives, they were just lucky.

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult

In other words

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

2017.. THE YEAR OF THE L

Thanksgiving was last week and i guess everyone was thankful for something in the least.

I guess i am thankful for being alive and its the beginning of a new week.

The cycle starts all over again.

2017 for me was a struggle, a huge challenge, many lessons learned with a whole lot of losses.

It started in January when my boyfriend left me and my room mate moved out. I crashed emotionally and financially . Every month afterwards was a challenge.

 I wrote a new book and started a catering business in February. Every weekend since early March,I had a catering gig up until October when things slowed down which i believe is a good thing, time to create more ideas for my business.

In August, I had a death in the family, no member of my family has passed away in the last twenty eight years, my family bid grand ma farewell at over a hundred years.

I got a second job in September and i guess its been a slow cruise up from there.

While a lot are thankful in so many ways, I am thankful for the lessons I have learned. It has been the year of the L for me. I am in recovery mode, learning lessons and making better choices while keeping myself together spiritually, physically,mentally and emotionally.

I learned that.

  1. You are the most important person in your life.
  2. Financial security is very important. Cash is King. ( I am paying off my credit cards and some late payments have dropped my credit score)
  3. Everyone is not your friend. You can’t trust everyone.
  4. Alone time is one of the best therapy, read a book, shop, walks, naps. Spend time with yourself.
  5. Also spend time with friends, travel and do fun stuff locally too.
  6. Remove high functioning negative people from your life, their energy can drain you quickly.
  7. As important as family is, you don’t have to love them, we can choose our friends but we cannot choose our family, this premise makes it kind of compulsory to love them, certain events in my life has decided that it doesn’t have to be that way.

When you live life knowing that most of the things you have may be taken away from you at any given time, you will be more thankful. The losses I had this year made me more aware of that.

THE WEDDING LIST

Hello Trybe

Its been a busy month for me and last weekend was the busiest.

There was a wedding and it was a beautiful wedding.

One of the most stressful parts of planning a wedding in my own opinion is the guest list

Who are you inviting?

How many guests are coming?

In the United States the average cost for a wedding is $32000.

I could start a business with that amount of money and reap awesome rewards.

Why would i want to spend $32000 on a wedding? But again it happens. Its a once in a lifetime thing, its a milestone so i should be hapy to spend such money to celebrate it.

The cake, the hall, decorations, photographer, dj, wedding dress and suits, bridesmaids and groomsmen suits, flower arrangements, the food and so many other things.

Feeding guests is about $80- $100 a plate. Multiply that by two hundred and fifty people.

All these preparations for just a few hrs, is the average $32,000 worth it for a few hrs?

I love weddings don’t get me wrong but these days weddings are becoming over rated. All the hype just for a few hours. The reception is usually the best part and has the most guests.

The church just has the major role players watch the union, the parents, siblings, close friends and the well wishers. Everyone else at the reception come there for the food and entertainment and i am just being realistic. I am one of those people.

I cannot even remember the last time i went to the church to watch a couple get married.

Some sermons are long and depending on the weather especially if it is hot, i want to leave. Note to self: The Pastor should make the ceremony at my wedding forty five minutes.Amen!!!

So let’s get back to the guests, who should you invite to your wedding? Who would i ideally invite to my wedding.

Typically being a Nigerian with a lot of “friends”. From childhood, high school, few from college, work and then my current social circle. I know a lot of people. I am an extrovert and i tend to meet and acquaint with people easily. My family members also have a lot of friends and that makes it a lot of people from my side of the family at my wedding. So imagine i get proposed to within the next year and i have to plan a wedding who am i inviting? It’s na

Hello Trybe

It’s been a busy month for me and last weekend was the busiest.

There was a wedding and it was a beautiful wedding.

One of the most stressful parts of planning a wedding in my own opinion is the guest list

Who are you inviting?

How many guests are coming?

In the United States the average cost for a wedding is $32000.

I could start a business with that amount of money and reap awesome rewards.

Why would i want to spend $32000 on a wedding? But again it happens. Its a once in a lifetime thing, its a milestone so i should be happy to spend such money to celebrate it.

The cake, the hall, decorations, photographer, DJ, wedding dress and suits, bridesmaids and groomsmen suits, flower arrangements, the food and so many other things.

Feeding guests is about $80- $100 a plate. Multiply that by two hundred and fifty people.

All these preparations for just a few hrs, is the average $32,000 worth it for a few hrs?

I love weddings don’t get me wrong but these days weddings are becoming over rated. All the hype just for a few hours. The reception is usually the best part and has the most guests.

The church just has the major role players watch the union, the parents, siblings, close friends and the well wishers. Everyone else at the reception comes there for the food and entertainment and i am just being realistic. I am one of those people.

I cannot even remember the last time I went to the church to watch a couple get married.

Some sermons are long and depending on the weather especially if it is hot, i want to leave. Note to self: The Pastor should make the ceremony at my wedding forty five minutes. Amen!!!

So let’s get back to the guests, who should you invite to your wedding? Who would I ideally invite to my wedding?

Typically being a Nigerian with a lot of “friends”. From childhood, high school, few from college, work and then my current social circle. I know a lot of people. I am an extrovert and i tend to meet and acquaint with people easily. My family members also have a lot of friends and that makes it a lot of people from my side of the family at my wedding. So imagine i get proposed to within the next year and i have to plan a wedding who am i inviting? It’s natural for my parents to want to bring their friends and invite this person and that person. Hold up right there!!!!!!

No!!!!!!!

So let me get a sieve and remove what i need, the rest will remain on the filter.  Typically i want a small and intimate wedding, I was in Laguna Hills the first week in August and the wedding had fewer than a hundred and twenty people. Everything was perfect. Once there are too many people at a wedding, especially a Nigerian wedding, things start moving to the left. Some form of chaos will develop, everyone is suddenly part of the planning and they always have to say something.

Let me plan my wedding in my head in a few words. I will most definitely get a wedding planner/coordinator. None of the planning will be done by any of my friends. I am a stickler for having things done a certain way and when people don’t meet up to my expectations i get disappointed, its worse when its even done for free so i would rather pay someone to get it done. I also don’t want to lose friends in arguments about what could have been. Anyway why would you not pay someone? Time is money.

I intend to have two hundred and fifty people max. Half comes from my list and the other half is his list.  So my ideals are:

  1. Family: Grandparents, Parents and siblings are priority. Extended family members like aunts, uncles, cousins can be considered depending on the relationship with them. Is it cordial? Would there be drama? I don’t want anyone acting a soap opera at my wedding.
  2. Friends: Current friendships on a daily, weekly or monthly basis are priority. I know we are adults and have move on some friends we would love to invite but if i cannot, i would be glad to share my day with them on social media and i am saying this with a kind heart. I have gotten to a stage in life where i cannot take things too personal especially with people i hardly talk to or keep in touch with.
  3. Colleagues: I would only invite colleagues i would like to have at my wedding. And i hope he does too.
  4. Children: This is a tough one, they would probably have their own space because i don’t want kids running around when the reception program is going on. I also love having kids at a wedding because they can pick money sprayed by adults (Nigerian adults), they are closest to the ground. Aso ebi girls make their outfits so grand they may not be able to bend down to pick money.
  5. They don’t live in your city: It’s tough to invite people who don’t live in your area or state, they have to be really close to me to want to spend the money to fly to watch me get married and i do have friends like that, and that is because i would do the same for them.

With a list like this it would be very easy to make my decisions.

There would be wedding crashers. In my head I am still deciding what to do with wedding crashers, they would probably have their own table, and I would make two or three tables so when I am watching my wedding video I would see who crashed the wedding. (laughs in Japanese). I can also look across the room from my seat and see who was able to crash the wedding and have a good laugh with “Mr Man”.

I love weddings but an intimate small wedding with details is what I really need.

I will leave my list at the door so check your names and your tables at the door. I want my wedding to be like Judgment Day, if your name is not there, you weren’t invited. No hard feelings, i only want to pay for what i can afford.