10 Important Lessons I have learned in life.

1. Wisdom is the principal thing. In all things in life, if you want to acquire anything, acquire wisdom first. It would help you make better decisions, relationship wise, health wise and financially. If you have to pray for anything, pray for wisdom.
2. Who you marry is a major decision. It can make you or wreck you. If you marry the right partner, your life will move in a positive direction. If you marry the wrong person, it would be all regrets and wasted time. Get to know a person first, before committing to anything, including sex. Your sense of judgment won’t be clouded, and the love bombing that narcissists easily give would be perceived easily and avoided.
3. Failure doesn’t define you, it just shows you have tried and it didn’t work. Start again and use a different approach. Most importantly, learn from your mistakes and understand why you failed.
4. Do not compare yourself with others. Everyone has their struggles. Your page fifty can be someone else’s page eleven. Instead, live a life that compels others to strive to be like you. Some people have money, but poor health. All the money in the world cannot buy an extra minute in life. If you have good health and laughter in your life, you are doing well, if I must say.
5. Spend time with your parents. We are getting old and they are getting older. Such a beautiful transformation. We don’t need an excellent eulogy at their funeral, when we can appreciate them while they are still here.
6. Nobody will save you. You can only save yourself.
7. Form the weird habit of being yourself. Do t be like anyone else, just you. Someone out there is manifesting you. If certain people don’t like you, that’s not your problem. Not everyone has great taste in people, and also remember that you are not for everyone.
8. Be careful who you trust. You can only vouch for and trust yourself. Take people at face value, and when a person shows you who they are, believe them.
9. The only teacher that gives you the test first and the lesson afterwards is experience. Make sure you learn the lesson if you fail the test.
10. Remove unhealthy connections, family, friends or things. As you evolve, you will outgrow certain people and things. It’s fine

9 Things you can practice in your New Year

You don’t have to wait for a New Year to make changes in your life.

It’s a New Year, and halfway into the month of January. It is also time when that New Year, new me talk is in order. The good news is that you do not have to wait for a new year to practice anything that will change your life. You can start where you are.

  1. Do the impossible: As kids, we had a wild imagination of what we wanted to be and also things we wanted in life. We don’t get past those imaginations if we don’t work on them. Do what you were told as a kid that you would not accomplish. Push the limits you currently have.

2. Do a little more everyday: Keep working on projects. Find creative things to do, just start. If it will make you money, best believe you have to push at it everyday to get results. Are you trying to lose weight? Are you brushing up your resume? Do you need a better prayer life? You have to start from somewhere and work actively at it everyday.

3. Journal: I started a reflection and prayer journal in 2019. Looking back three years later, I can see how much I have grown. I also have a track record of problem solving in my life. I can go into the pages and see how it has helped me, and how it can help someone else. The little areas in your life are important, and every minute you improve will have a tremendous result on your person in the long run.

4. Keep your own company: Spending time with yourself is the best form of self discovery. You can set boundaries, create schedules, read books. Starting hobbies is fulfilling. You can self care. An hour of meditation or prayer will do a lot.

5. Stop giving the best parts of yourself to the wrong people: You are good enough. You are not good enough for the wrong person/people. Do not take it personal. Not everyone has great taste in people. Treat yourself like a valuable commodity that should not be easily accessible to the public.

6. Forgive: Do not carry the weight of unforgiveness into the New Year. Forgiveness is a burden carried by the one who bears it, not the one who offended you. Forgive yourself for ignorance, for mistakes. Forgive your friends and family for hurting you. Forgive your past, because your future is brighter. If you are hurting in any way, you need forgiveness to help heal from what you are dealing with.

7. Remove Imposter Syndrome: For many years, I suffered from Imposter Syndrome, where I felt that whatever I had accomplished, I was not worthy of. Everything good that comes to you in life is what you deserve. The degree, the great job, the beautiful relationship, the promotion, you deserve it if you worked hard for it. Do not underestimate what you are capable of. Remember that there are people out there who are not as qualified as you are doing things. It is because they believe in themselves, and you should too.

8. Be Happy: Happiness is an inside job. You have the power to make yourself happy. Besides, you glow differently when you are happy.

9. Health and fitness : This should be a priority. In the middle of a pandemic, the worst thing to have is poor health. Eat healthy food, go for outdoor exercise. Drink a lot of water and get enough sleep.

5 lessons I learned from dating a Narcissist.

You may think you are in love until it is too late.

Sooooooooo I dated a narcissist.

I never knew the true definition of a narcissist until a few years later. I wish I knew this earlier, it would have saved me a lot of tears. Narcissists appear normal, just like you and I. A charming personality, oozing with perfection, and then the road becomes dark and painful.

It started with love bombing. He said all sorts of sweet things to pull me in. I fell head over heels in love with him. He acted like a true gentleman, owned and dined me. He bought me roses. It was the typical thing you would expect from someone when you are in a relationship. I felt like I had found the one. He wanted to get married, have kids, build a life. He said the right words tugged on the strings of my heart the way he felt would pull me in. Looking back, I realized I meant nothing. I was discarded like used toilet paper. I was not even sure he was the same person.

He was insecure. It was the first thing I noticed about him. He always needed validation from me. Initially, I thought seeking validation was just to be on the same page with me when it came to making decisions. It was because he didn’t feel like he could make good decisions. He hid behind the shadow of my wisdom. He also became clingy. He always wanted to control who I spent time with and talked to. He would threaten to stop talking to me if I did not adhere to his requests. I found it doubly odd. He was the kind that could end long-term friendships because of his needs. He was selfish.

The discard stage hurt. We had no quarrels or anything. He stopped talking to me. In the attempt to find out why, he said there was nothing wrong, and he wanted to move on.

It was funny that after the first few days of breaking up, he checked on me to see how I was doing. I genuinely thought he felt remorse, but it was not that. He wanted to absolve himself of guilt by acting like he cared, and also making sure I was not angry. We remained friends, but I learned valid lessons along the way.

  1. He was an extremely fragile person. He exuded so much confidence, but behind the confidence was a fragile man whose ego was easily bruised, and it only took one slight to shatter him. He also had a knack for keeping grudges.
  2. He also showed an exaggerated self importance. He was extremely arrogant. He claimed to have high standards, but they only existed in words and not actions. I also realized he had no standards when it came to choosing women. He preyed on the emotions of single women looking to settle down. He also had a lot of sexual escapades and loved dating women who were less likely to look for commitment.
  3. I noticed he had no long-term friends. He had no one he was accountable to for his behavior. This is a red flag, because he never admitted to fault and would always find a way to blame me.
  4. He was always right. He was never wrong about anything. Challenging him on anything was never a good idea.
  5. Gas lighting was something I experienced, and I knew I was done. I was made to feel that anything in the relationship that went wrong was always my fault. I was walking on eggshells literally. We could go from having a cheerful and happy conversation to a full blown argument. I found myself apologizing for things I didn’t do or say just to keep the peace. In this way, I am slowly losing myself.

When you find yourself in a toxic relationship like this, it is not easy to walk away, but please do. It is for your sanity. Physical abuse is bad. Emotional abuse is deadly.

Walk away because you are worth more, you have family and friends that love you. There are beautiful people who want to come into your life and bring out the best in you. Do not deprive yourself of that opportunity by being with a narcissist.

In the long run, it takes a while to dissociate from this bond. Get the support of your friends and family, and definitely a therapist.

Almost doesn’t count

But everybody knows, almost doesn’t count. ~ Brandy 

Brandy was right a decade ago, and she is still right today.

If they have one leg in and one leg out, it means nothing.

If they haven’t made up their mind about you, it still means nothing.

If they were thinking about you and didn’t act on the thought, it means nothing.

From today and onward, no more “almost”. Almost there, almost happy, almost crying, almost doing, almost tripping, almost buying. 

 No more!

Being intentional about everything we do is important.

Being intentional in the lives of the people we love is priceless.

When we have an “almost” attitude to a person or to life itself, it holds no value. Imagine what buying a gift someone would do to a person, it would make them happy, what if you almost bought the gift. It means nothing. It doesn’t count.

I have heard people say “It’s the thought that counts”. Fair enough. It is the action that counts. Moving forward, no more potentials. No more , what could be?It is either ‘it is’ or ‘it isn’t”.It is great to know that you are worthy of all the love you choose to give a person or thing.  You are worthy of the respect you choose to give a person or a thing. You would not want to be half assed about how you show love and appreciation to another person or a thing. If you would not be half assed about how you treat people, then do not accept half assed love or respect. Almost doesn’t count. It either is or it isn’t. 

A person that values you will put effort  to make sure you feel valued, wanted and loved. It is very important to understand that as much as we want to feel loved and cherished, also make sure you are giving the same energy to the right person/people that we allow into our lives. Vet the people you let in, so you don’t get disappointed when they don’t turn out to to be how you envisioned them. No “almost ” energy.  

So in order to move forward and reset, take an inventory of what you don’t need, what is not provided and what won’t matter in the long run and get rid of them.

Is there someone in your life that you are giving the “almost” energy to and deserves to be treated better? You are in charge of your life, you can upgrade , downgrade and remove where you deem fit. It either is or it isn’t. 

Just know that no matter what

 Almost doesn’t count.

Unforgiveness- the only prison in which you have the key to set yourself free.

As the year comes to a close, it is a good thing to look back and reflect on how the year has gone.  

Forgiveness is one thing we need to reflect on.  There has been offense from friends or family members and you tell yourself you have forgiven them. 

Here are some scenarios 

  1. When you think about what happened, you are still angry. I sometimes rehearse how I could have responded to a situation, because I am still dwelling on the issue in my head and heart. I know there and then that I have not truly forgiven. 
  1. You find yourself discussing the incident of almost ten years ago as if it happened today. I have heard a lot of people talk and hold on to how their parents treated them as kids. Their parents have most likely forgotten or not even known they offended their child(ren). Instead, the child grows up harboring thoughts of resentment and unforgiveness.  
  1. When you find yourself refusing to be friends with anyone who loves them, you have not truly forgiven. I call it witchcraft campaign. It is when you decide to create enmity because you and a certain person are not in good terms. Imagine going to an event and you decide to avoid certain people because you have a clash with someone they love dearly. You will be the uncomfortable one in the room.  
  1. When the attempts to make things right is met with your rejection, you have not truly forgiven. It is because you have maybe justified anger, it may be pride or betrayal. Maybe you need more time to process the conflict. Any or more of these reasons means that you have not forgiven. 

Check your heart.  

Have you truly forgiven that person? 

Do you know what it means to forgive a person. 

If you can forgive, you are a powerful person.  

Revenge is for the weak-minded person. 

Forgiveness means you are willing to move forward. It unties the cords that tie you to the offense that was committed against you. It sets you free. Imagine being bound with huge ropes to a container. You can’t move and it is uncomfortable. It is what unforgiveness feels like. You are the one suffering. The person who tied you up is not suffering. Forgiveness is for you. It is not for the other person.  

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. ~ Lewis B Smedes 

We always say other people are toxic, we may be the toxic one. When you hold on to unforgiveness, it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Isn’t that toxic thinking? 

It is exhausting carrying baggage from your past into your future. Your journey does not need the baggage of unforgiveness to where you are going. Leave it at the bus stop of forgiveness. 

Forgiveness is a choice you make every day. It is not a onetime event. The reason why is that the offense will come back to your mind again, you have the choice to let go or hold on.  It is a commitment. People process forgiveness differently. For some it is sooner than for others.  

A good way to look at it is putting yourself as the offender asking for forgiveness. It hurts when you ask for forgiveness and it is met with rejection. There is so much beauty in life every day to look forward to. 

When you hold on to the pain from the past, you actually hinder yourself from seeing beauty in a new day and new situations. You hold yourself at ransom that only you can pay.  You can’t free yourself if you don’t pay the ransom. Forgiveness is the ransom. 

If you want to love. Forgiveness will always be a constant. If you can’t forgive, you can’t love. While forgiving other people, also know that you have to forgive yourself too. 

Forgive yourself for mistakes you made out of ignorance. 

Forgive yourself for hurting other people. 

Forgive yourself for holding onto weights and things you should have released a long time ago. 

In this might, you need to learn to forgive, not because the other person deserves happiness, but because you deserve peace. 

LAW OF POWER 2: NEVER PUT TOO MUCH TRUST IN FRIENDS,LEARN HOW TO USE ENEMIES

I found this fascinating Law of Power from the book written by Robert Green. It has so much wisdom to it.

Here is the judgment

Be wary of friends, they will betray you more quickly for they are easily aroused to envy. They also become spoiled and tyrannical. But hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend because he has more to prove.

Infact you have more to fear from friends than enemy. If you have no enemies, find ways to make them.

Lord protect me from my friends, I can take care of my enemies

~ Voltaire 1694-1778

Pick up a bee from kindness and learn the limitations of kindness

~Sufi Proverb

As humans we all have needs and this fuels the purpose of having relationships and building excellent friendships until we realize to some extent that maybe we are a little too trusting.

The problem is that we think we really know our friends. A year ago I was in the position of trusting people too quickly and taking them at face value until I was left for dead and made a public enemy. This opened my eyes to see that most people are not who they really seem to be.

We have friends who you will never have a disagreement with, such people are the ones to be wary of, because they will always agree with you so as not to offend you but the reality of the issue is not so. I have had a lot of disagreements with some of my friends because I am pretty vocal and a good trash talker. Most times it comes from a good place and when it doesn’t I am straight up making fun of you. I do not have a problem with offending a person if I have to. I am basically checking you so you don’t cross your boundaries. Lately I have been doing it more often and people who don’t have respect for boundaries would eliminate themselves on their own by deciding not to “like me”

At work, If you come up to me with you bullshit, I will smile at you dead in the face with a one way ticket to hell. I am not kidding.!!! #ifyouknowyouknow.

Do not be scared to speak in your own voice. Build your own authenticity. Everyone does not have to like you. Find yourself and fall in love with you. It seems like a hard thing to do, it really is but as time goes on, things that really matter will stay and things that don’t are basically gone.

Some people feign being diplomatic so that they would show a high level of character and meanwhile they are the fakest and sneakiest people of all time. They do this to obtain a certain level of respect which they do not have for the other person.

Honesty rarely strengthens a friendship so sometimes you do not know how your friend actually feels. They may not want to tell you that you lack talent, or that you are fat and ugly, or you are not as smart as you sound,or that they don’t like your significant other. That aspect of people is lacking these days and it hurts when you hear how your friends really feel about you from other people.

Some friends just envy everything about you basically and even if you are doing great, they will never tell you, its also part of not being honest.

When you decide to use your friend for whatever you need, you get to really know what they can offer and before you know they feel you owe them something and oppression starts, it begins with resentment and then full blown envy, then the death of the friendship starts.

Do not do business or work with friends, be friends with friends and work with those who have the skills and requirements to do work. Familiarity breeds contempt.

When you have no enemies, you become lazy and complacent, view your enemies as your competition, you want to outwit and outdo them, its not really about them, its about you because this process would make you more focused.

Knowing all of this be very careful… the best of friends have become the worst of enemies by not following this law of power correctly.

THE INFERIORITY OF YOUR FRIENDS

Most people enjoy the inferiority of their friends, real friends don’t notice~ Norman Douglas.

As humans, basic relationships with other people is fundamental. Family, friends, co workers etc are basic essential relationships that we can foster.

Everyone is different, no one has the same traits except they have shared values. Diversity allows for us to learn from other people and grow.

When i was a child, my mom made me foster friendships with only friends children, they were older than I was at the time usually more than three years. The only children who were my age that i made friends with were the kids in my class.

As an adult, I realized that I made a lot of mistakes with my friends over the years. I accept people at face value not realizing their risks or the trash that they come with until it is too late. I have trusted the wrong people with sensitive information, I have hung out with people who I had long outgrown but i stayed for no justifiable reason.

Looking back I have made the decision not to hang out where i don’t want to be. I want to hang out with people I can learn from who also have a similar vibe or better than mine. My ex boyfriend used to tell me that in the midst of some of my friends i was usually the most intelligent and that meant i needed new friends. I just thought he was fussing until the tower of those friendships crashed like a pack of cards.

One of my biggest realizations too was that most people enjoy the inferiority of their friends, the ones who weren’t rich enough, the ones who were not up to standard. I have observed certain types of friendships where one friend has outgrown the other and living in the shadow of a friendship is obvious. Instead of taking a break from the friendship, remaining in the friendship just feeds the inferiority.

As an adult, You are responsible for your life and your relationships, choose what is desirable.

WHY DO YOU KEEP MEETING TRASHY PEOPLE?

Sometimes, one needs to reflect back on their life to see why they keep meeting trashy people,i would always say making “rubbish friends. These are the type of people that don’t bring “peace of mind.” Apart from that you become those people.

You realize you are such a great person but you keep feeling remorseful over the type of friends you have been making and probably keeping. Certain types of drama keeps recurring.

Why?

Let’s figure out what is going on.

Trashy people have a tendency to be toxic and such people love being friends with people who cannot say “no” to other people, they always feel the need to please people. The need to be relevant among their friends and family members would always keep you running into trashy people. The idea of being relevant is more detrimental to you rather than the trash that you attract.

For instance, you have to be at work by 6 am on Saturday morning, you know for a fact that at midnight, you need to be in bed but you decide to kick it with your “cool” friends so as not to offend them and you end up getting home at 3 am and sleeping with one eye open, waking up at 5am and chugging a cup of Starbucks to work at 6 am and being partially productive for the eight hour shift. This means you have no boundaries.

If you always have a boundary problem, you will keep attracting toxic people. Once you are able to tell your friend no, or refuse to oblige, then you fall out of favor with the person, it’s a good thing, they need to go but most importantly you need to draw up boundaries. Self discipline is priceless.

Learn to say “No”. You wont die.

Seriously.

You would lose people who are truly not meant to be in your life.

Loyalty is also a major factor. It is very important to figure out who you want to be loyal to.

Does your loyalty come with a price?

Would your loyalty be reciprocated?

Can you call on such a person when you need them?

If you answer “no” to more than one of these questions, then you need to check what and who you are loyal to and why you are loyal to them?

Guilt trips are also used by trashy people to make you feel bad so that they can get you to do what you want.

Sometimes you cannot make an event they invite you to or cannot help them babysit their child or borrow them the money they need because it will also inconvenience you, they put you on a guilt trip and then you instantly feel bad and then ultimately change your mind so as not to offend them.

I am telling you now please “OFFEND THEM” if it will cost you, your peace of mind and comfort, do it.

Trashy people also love insecure people, people who don’t know their worth, they could be beautiful, gifted, talented and still feel worthless, a trashy person will out of jealousy want to stay close to the person in order to control them and ultimately destroy them.

Do you see yourself as any of the above mentioned people?

Then it means you have tendencies of attracting trash. You need to re evaluate yourself.`

FATHER’S DAY

I looked forward to today like any other Father’s Day this year.

But this year, its a little different.

My dad is in the hospital.

He has never spent a Father’s Day anywhere else but with family.

This year, we would be going to spend time with him at the speicalty hospital.

He won’t be able to have fancy dinner with us. He would be eating from his feeding tube,

He won’t be able to try on the new stuff we got for him because he would be confined to the bed with different tubes plugged to his body.

That is why this Father’s day is so difficult.

It’s hard to fathom the man who would take me to school everyday, who would attend all the PTA meetings, the one who would take me to do my hair, the one who would take me to country club and allow me to climb all the trees and pick apples, the one who would take me to the office and allow me to play with the electronic calculator and write on all the notepads till I got bored. The list is endless mehnnnnnn.

It’s hard to fathom that he would be laying helpless in a hospital bed.

This is hard.

But regardless of how hard it is, I am hopeful that he is still alive. He may not be able to speak, but he would grimace and nod in response to our suggested speech.

I love him.

I wish him and all other father’s out there a Happy Father’s Day!!!!

THE TYPE OF FRIENDSHIPS WE NEED

In the mighty decade of the 3 zeros, we need to do better in terms of friendships.

As children, we started out as playmates, having a lot in common such as running around, riding bikes, playing in the sand, eating ice cream and doing so many things with little or no worries.

In our teens, we made friends at school, football buddies, chemistry study buddies, cheer leading squad and so many others. In college, we had dorm mates, study buddies, boy/girlfriends, social friends.

In our twenties, it was graduation period and new jobs, so we made friends with co workers who fit the bill or met new friends at social events.

Have you already noticed that the pool just got smaller?

In our thirties, most people have either become professionals, married or parents. This leaves a small window for constant friendships.
So what type of friendships do we need these days?

In this decade, improvements in lifestyle is very important. Choosing friends in this age is also critical.

We need friends who push us to do better and also live lifestyles worth emulating. So if you hang out with people who only live for Friday nights at the club and the weekend partying, you will end up being like them. If you make friends with people who are always looking to invest of come up with start up opportunities, you will most likely be inclined to do the same. No one associates with failures. Associate with people who have a positive, influential mindset. The ones who push you to further your education for career success and personal development. The ones who will pull a few people to invest in a business or come through with a start up.

If one of your friends is like a flat tire in your life, you need to pump up a new one.