He says he is not ready to be in a relationship (1)

There are many men, and they come along like the next bus or train every four minutes. You just need to be at the bus stop on time and get on the right bus.

He said he was not ready to be in a relationship.

After going on so many dates.

After investing physically and emotionally.

What happened?

The keyword is access. Who do you give access to?

As a child, my mother was very wary of the people I allowed into my life as friends. I was not allowed to make friends of my own unless they were my classmates. The reason being I always looked for the best in people and took them at face value until I got hurt or taken advantage of.

I took this mindset into relationships. Making myself open prey until I heard words that broke my heart and made me cry for days on end. Words such as,

“I am not ready to be in a relationship.

“It’s not you, it’s me”

Are there any warning signs that come before getting disappointed?

Most likely there would have been but we females, we tend to overlook them. When a woman is in love, even the ambulance wailings won’t wake her up from la-la land until is too late.

If a man has to take advantage of you, you have to give him access. Females are visually stimulated just like men are and also stimulated by the things we hear.

“I love you”

“You are the best thing that ever happened to me”

Do those words sound familiar?

These things happen because some women are easy to fall prey. Some men tell us what we want to hear because they have spent time enough with us to figure out what would work and what wouldn’t. Some of us are predictable, we try to play hard to get, but once they crack the code, they are in.

All those walls you worked hard to build will come crashing down like a pack of cards.

A simple analogy is giving a spare key. Once you give someone you may not have fully trusted a spare key, they have a copy and can get access into your house and worse still they can make a duplicate.

The stage of going from friendship to becoming exclusive is in the power of what transcends during the process. It first starts with telling.

Not showing.

Telling.

He tells you great stories, about himself, the things he does, the past relationships. The things that he feels look good on his dating resume. It is your job to investigate and make sure that what he is telling is truly who he is.

This takes time.

Character does not hide for too long.

So, I am sure you are asking, what is your role here?

Your role here is being the upper hand. You are the flower being sought, the one who has the access code. Hold on to it tight. Take your time to give access. To your heart, to go on a date, to have sex, to become exclusive.

There are many men, and they come along like the next bus or train, if you miss one, you can always catch another. Do not allow fear to pressure you into giving in. If he decides not to find you attractive because you are playing your cards right, let him move along to the next available chic. You are saving yourself from a lot of potential…..bullshit.

Apart from being in charge of the access code to your heart and body. You should also ask yourself if he is worthy of you. It is not about you being the perfect one for the man. Is he worthy of you? Your time? Your potential and who you truly are? Your future. It really counts for everything.

Most importantly go on dates to learn. Learn about the person. When you have a list of what you can take and what you won’t take, you will be able to filter out the garbage before it becomes garbage. Do not rush into anything because you won’t find anything out there anymore. You are not going on a date so he can like you, even though it is important to make a great first impression by putting your best foot forward. You also have to determine if he is worth your time.

If he is not worth your time, move to the next in line.

The Placeholder.

“He is not going to marry you; you are just a temp.”

“He is not going to marry you; you are just a temp.”

The words of the woman pierced into my heart like a knife. She was right. I was wasting my time.
All these months, I was dating someone who turned me into a placeholder. I was the committed one, he was using me to pass time until “The One” showed up.
I am a five-foot nine-inch chic, Pretty face with a Master’s Degree in Computer science, but I can not keep a man. They walk in and out of my life like a bus stop. I thought in my pretty head that I was doing it right. I wore nice clothes, smelled good, my hair appointments were monthly, nail appointments were bi-weekly. I took trips four times a year. I attracted handsome men with everything going for them but commitment.
So, the question is, what am I doing wrong?
I met Philip in Cabo. He was the perfect boyfriend for me. When we got back to Los Angeles, we went on dates back-to-back. I was living my dream relationship. He had the hots for me and I felt the same way. Sex was ahhhhhmmazing. He was damn good in bed. It made me pray that I was not sharing him with any other woman.
Red roses at work.
Roses on my doorstep.
Foot rubs in the evening or weekends spent together.
Fancy dinners.
Front row seats at sporting events.
Surprise weekend getaways.
Expensive designer accessories.
Should I say more? Would you want what I had? Yes, and yes.
This was my perfect relationship which included constant phone calls and video calls. Then the smoke started. He started spending time with his friends. He used work as an excuse, not to go-to date nights.
I complained to my co-worker Sasha who had become a confidant.
“Maybe you should let him have space,” she advised.
“Space?”
“Yes, maybe he is dealing with stuff and he is either internalizing it or doing something different it may have nothing to do with you,” Sasha said.
I could not understand what she meant by him dealing with stuff. He could always talk to me.
My phone calls were automatically sent to voicemail.
Getting a response to my text was like playing the lotto.
Then the fire started.
He didn’t return my calls for a whole day, so I decided to check on him.
I drove forty-three miles to his home in Laguna Beach. I opened the door to his condo with my key and saw a woman on the couch watching tv.
“Hey,” I greeted in half shock and half uncertainty. For all I knew, she could be a relative.
She sat up in surprise.
“Hey, how may I help you?” she asked as she put the remote control in her hand on the center table.
“Where is Phillip?”
“He is not here,” she replied flatly.
“Who are you?” I asked.
“Bianca, I am his girlfriend. And you are?”
It felt like my heart had leaped into my mouth. What did she just call herself?
His girlfriend?
Then what was I?


************************************************
“You were a placeholder,” Sasha replied as she listened to my sob story.

I had never been so humiliated in my life. I took the walk of shame out of Phillip’s home.
“He loved me, we were going to get married,” I said quietly. I was convinced in my heart that he was the one.
“He was not in love with you,” Sasha said with a straight face. “Listen, sweetheart, this is not new and I know it hurts so bad, but men lie. They lie about you being the one because they are cowards and can’t let you go. They want to keep you in place until they can find ‘the one.”
I didn’t want to believe this whole heartbreak thing was happening again. What was it about me that was not making them commit?
“I did everything to make him love me and make me stay.”
“Well maybe that’s where you missed the point, you were too busy trying to make him stay and you didn’t stop to check if he was worthy of you. You are worthy of love. You will not get love from the wrong one.” she said with a smile.
“You are right.”
“We lie about our requirements sometimes, and when we find the requirement we reject it, it happens even with women too”
“So how do I keep a man, I am tired of these constant breakups.”
Sasha smiled.
“You need to be your true authentic self, the right man will see that and he will stay, just take this as the trash taking itself out and start all over again.”

SURVIVING R KELLY: AGE AIN’T NOTHING BUT A NUMBER

Today would have been Aaliyah’s fortieth birthday. She died in the summer about eighteen years ago in  a plane crash. Two weeks before what would have been her fortieth birthday came the series, Surviving R Kelly.

In my last blog post, I wrote how it bothered me that a thirty year old man would date a fifteen year old girl.

I have two reasons why a man would do so, i would start with the lesser reason and then end with the major one.

Immaturity: This is one reason why a 30 year old man would date a girl between the age of 14-19. I have seen this relationship and in this dynamic, the man is childlike. He is not mature enough to handle a woman his age or maybe older. Women mature faster than men physically and mentally. A man and a woman about the same age are in an entirely different space mentally. What a twenty nine year old woman may desire, a twenty nine year old man would not have fathomed the thought, this makes it frustrating. Some women see this as a turn off especially because they see it as not being able to handle someone who is about the same age as them, this is a form of insecurity and some men are very quick to project their insecurities.

In the case of R Kelly, i cannot say he was insecure in any way. I just think he had a thing for real young girls. These girls were at his beck and call. He was a handsome and rich upcoming artist. Who would not want to be associated with wealth and fame? He lingered on the school grounds of Ken wood High school when he could have found “women”  in any night club while he was on tour, there were tons of barely legal women there and when i say barely legal, i mean young women who had barely just turned eighteen or twenty one. Why did he do this? Its because of Control.

My major reason for the huge age difference in dating/relationships is CONTROL. Teenagers and young women are not quite as experienced as women in other age ranges. it is very easy to manipulate them and it is always to the advantage of the man. An older woman would be able to see past his shenanigans especially because she has once in her life experienced a heart break or watched someone go through relationship problems enough to see red flags. Younger girls are a little more naive and haven’t viewed life beyond the unshattered crystal glass they are looking out of.

R Kelly and Aaliyah got married when he was 27 years old and she was 15 years old in 1994.  They were married without the knowledge and consent of her parents and family. Did she really agree to marry him? Was there any pressure involved?

As much as her family members deny the whole incident and try to brush it under the rug, it just sweeps underlying problems that can be figured out and the lessons used to help other young girls going through the same thing or at least prevent them from dealing with the same thing.

R Kelly was said to have mentored her and helped her out with the album “Age Aint nothing but a number”. This is probably the underlying tone for their relationship. Why should age matter? Its nothing but a number. The number was the problem. The number was attached to laws and the legal system doesn’t lay. If age was nothing but a number, why is alcohol not sold to minors, why are cigarettes not sold to minors? Why is the retirement age 65? Why not 25?

Age is not just nothing but a number. It holds a lot of significance.

If it was just a number, why did they forge papers to get married?

If you are not doing anything wrong, you won’t be hiding in plain sight.