FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

DOES YOUR RELATIONSHIP HAVE CONDITIONS?

I thoroughly enjoyed The Rants show today. Lately i have been approached with the idea of becoming an FWB especially after just having a relationship. Honestly speaking i am enjoying playing the open field, not belonging to anything or anyone for right now.

So a friends with benefits relationship is supposed to be one where two “friends” have a consensual sexual relationship with no strings attached. The strings are “emotions” or “expectations”. So how does this work knowing fully well that one person is bound to fall in love and feelings will get hurt.  A very good question.

Does your relationship have conditions? Should you have a friends with benefits relationship?

From a realistic point of view, it is not a smart idea, but again it depends on how you approach it, but then again, you are only responsible for yourself. Don’t ever assume the other person has your best interest at heart even though they say so. Put yourself first, you will save yourself from a lot of heartache later.

So who is a potential friends with benefits. Strangers. I am not saying you should run into the street and hook up with some random person, what i am saying is that you are better off with someone who has minimal investment of interest and emotions with you. Don’t hook up with your friend of over ten years who has been having the itch to crawl in bed with you, chances are you will end the benefits as enemies. FWB Do not be a Friends with Benefits with your coworker, that usher from church, that chick in your class. The odds of happy endings are limited so save yourself the walk of shame when the time comes.

The “Catching Feelings” part is the biggest danger. Good sex can be confused with love, it keeps you longer than you want to stay especially when the relationship is a dead zone. Catching feelings will make you panic when there is nothing to panic about, keeps you up when the other friend is sleeping soundly. You start losing your mind when in reality you lost your mind from the get go when you opted to be a FWB when other better options of being single or being in a relationship are available, that is insanity at its finest.

With friends with benefits, its usually a Netflix and Chill scenario, chill in the sense of “having sex”. Sleep overs and pajama parties are a “no”. Do not initiate spooning and wake up feeling shameful in the morning, those occured after making bad decisions, drinking a glass of wine and shagging the brains off, yes in that order.

Jealousy is also one of the red flags, the “friend” goes with another friend, maybe a potential bae. Jealousy is not allowed here, the option was chosen from the get go, so getting mad and getting even is like knocking one’s head on bricks. Guess who has the headache. You!!

In the age where STD’s and unwanted pregnancies are no longer a surprise, protect yourself, use a condom to prevent STI’s, use birth control to prevent unwanted pregnancies. Condoms are cheaper than diapers.

The Maury Show and Dr Phil have guests explaining what does not ned to be explained,as consenting adults who are in it for benefits, it is best to prevent these things before they happen.

Social media and social gatherings should be kept at the bare minimum or made non existent. The social media is the quickest way to find out stuff that will cause emotional torment, lurking facebook pages, looking for who liked what on instagram, becoming an unpaid FBI intern, is the quickest way to have sleepless nights. The social gatherings which include close friends and family should be “no go zones”. The relationship should only exist in the bedroom, some would beg to differ and say, “lunch”, “dinner” “a movie somehwere”. Well these are minimal investments. the most important benefit is the sex, if not please do your HEART a favor and stay single, go to lunch, dinner or a movie somewhere with your friends, the regular friends. *wink*

 

HE TELLS ME EVERYTHING

Hellooooo!!!!!

I haven’t posted anything in about a week

Also Welcome to the Month of May.

Anyway nothing new has been happening except the weather is hot and more money needs to be made. But first i have something to say.

I was talking to a chic today who was telling me how her boyfriend told her about her exes, he told her the girls he had slept with , in her exact words,

He tells me everything

I was speechless.

There are many things i can gossip with my man about, the weather, drinks we had last night, where we wnet last week, the chic at work who wont give me a break, the crazy dance my dad did at the famiy reunion, those sort of things. And she got defensive real quick too. Girl i was laughing in several languages in my head.

“One thing you dont know about _____,He tells me who he is messing with, who he has messed with, he tells me everything.”

I just replayed that part in my head

Drops Mic

Cracking Up.

So if he has been messing with these people while you are somewhere else nursing and taking care of your kid together does that even sound appropriate.

Straight up deluded.

If he tells you everything, why are you not preference, why are you not top priority? He should be having sex with you not those other women. He keeps adding to the list, adding a new number 44….45… 46….Why are you not the chosen one? He tells you about the sex escapades and the women he messed with over a glass of wine or on the phone and you think he is giving you tea, you are his bestie, his road dawg for life. That’s first class poison about to become an overdose.

I actually think it is disrespectful for a man to sit and tell his “current or prospective” about the crazy affairs he has had or women he messed with except he is using it as a reference point on conversation.

It is straight up disrespectful to put a face to the women who made you have an orgasm in bed and then parted ways with them. The gossip might be a bonding tool, but it is not love.

This type of man will continue to brag about his exes and tell the current how their exes still want them and they assure you there is nothing to worry about.

If he has to tell you everything, let him tell you everything that matters and that will also last, let his actions match his words, not just constructing sentencs and telling you things that you need to hear and meanwhile acting differently.

A man who has respect for a woman will pick and choose what to tell her that is important, things like how to build a healthy relationship, finances, vacations, investments not keeping a list of where he opens the fly of his pants or the number of chics he has slept with to catch an STD.  A broken heart is better than a STD. Dodge the bullet.!!!

MY 5 RELATIONSHIP DEAL BREAKERS

As the saying goes

“The older we get, our red flags become our deal breakers”

We date people and become friends with them, get to know them better and see if we can get into a certain level of compatibility with them. This also means that “sometimes” we have to accept their flaws because we have ours and we want them to accept us too, but there should be a line between accepting someone’s flaws and a red flag. Those red flags as we have gotten older have become our deal breakers. Here are my top 10

  1. Education: I love men who have a drive for education even if it is just vocational school, a PHD,a Bachelors or something. There is something about having a certificate in your name that shows that you have spent a certain amount of time getting the education and it is useful  for that purpose or more. No one can take that away from you. Once a guy has no passion to better himself in terms of education, that by itself is a dealbreaker for me. It also reflects the way he thinks too. Some people who have lesser educational accomplishments tend to project their sense of insecurities on their partner and please dont argue this fact with me, it has happened to me.
  2. Show Off: Insecure people are the biggest show offs, they tend to want to prove that they have certain things or they are a certain type of people. I am one of the people who doesn’t care. I once dated a guy who always bragged, he bragged about everything. The thing abiut braggers for me is that i always listen to them and ust make my conclusions on their behavior without telling them. Usually they are very insecure and suffer from approval addiction. This is my deal breaker especially after the second date when i am sure that this is a behavioral pattern.
  3. No sense of Humor: I think this should top the charts for me. I find humor in every situation except death and disease. I dont undrstand why  i would have to walk on eggshells in my relationship watching everything i want to say or have to say because he lacks sense of humor. My best friend is a comedian, no matter how bad a situation is, i always have a good laugh or find comic relief, i want to have a relationship filled with good laughs. If i can’t joke or be humorous around him, sorry bro, thats a deal breaker.
  4. A Different Religion: I am a Christian and i cannot date a guy  who is  not a Christian , it is not because i think Christianity is the best religion its just the clash in terms of differences and if one or both of us wil be able to cope or convert. A Catholic guy once tried to date me and through certain conversations i realize he is stuck to his beliefs and we may never be able to compromise, it could cause unwarranted arguments and promote family division when we have kids so i decided to say “deuces”.
  5. Vices: My biggest relationship deal breakers in terms of dating are somoking, drinking and womanizing. These are habits that require money, so before it becomes a deal breaker, how financially stable is the man? Smoking and its adverse smell, i cant deal with that. I love social drinkers, but drinking to stupor is a no no. Womanizing, the art of chasing after anything in skirt when you have a bikini at home, that for me is a deal breaker, i cannot handle the thought of STD’s or unwanted pregnanices, the man can go very farrrr away from me.

“Lala is married, I am not” -Carmelo Anthony

These days, relationships seem to be as temporary as a snapchat story.

People get into relationships all smiles, showing off, posting  things that seem to make others want to be in a relationship and then comment with the hashtag that states #relationshipgoals😍. I will just sit over here and give the side eye. Yes it is that serious.

I had no hope for relationships after Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt broke up. I mean how? Then T. I and Tiny, and other celebrities I know, Cynthia Bailey and Thomas. I mean lets be real, what happened to love like the TV couples back in the nineties, The Winslows, The Cosby’s, goodness knows how many tv families I grew up with. What kept them together? They sure had their own share of problems but they never split.

We live in a generation where love is selfish and almost non existent but seriously why was I born in this era, why not a few decades before so that I would have dated and married men who at least had common sense?

So early this week, I was greeted with the news that Lala And Melo split. I love Lala and I remember when she got married,  she was so happy and in love. Now is it me or basketball players just have the tendency to be unfaithful to their wives. Stephen Curry seems to be the only exception for now.

 Yes I said now.

Let’s take a look into the NBA circle where we have Dwane and Gabby Wade who had a similar problem, Dwane fathered a child outside and Gabby still married him, Kobe Bryant cheated and Vanessa is still into the marriage so many years later. Yesterday Kobe and Vanessa Bryant celebrated sixteen years of marriage. Who could have  thought they would survive the cheating episode? But guess what, they sure did, Kobe bought that million dollar ring. They worked through it.

Melo went to the Gentlemens club, he met a dancer, they hooked up and now she is pregnant, six months pregnant.  It is shameful in my own opinion. I learned that these basketball players tend to hoe around while they are on the road but for you to go out into town bareback is gross. ( I am hoping he wrapped it up and the condom broke) . But even when the condom breaks at least Melo would know, what happened to plan B? Goodness, I am asking all these questions that I can’t even answer because it is already six months too late to do anything. Also Lala already found out. Carmelo did not tell her, she found out. 

Did you hear what I said?

She found out!!!!!!

Lala is married, I am not”- Carmelo

This statement alone is painful. It is also thoughtless.

So is Melo simply saying that all the while he was not fully committed to being married to Lala?

Why didn’t he leave instead of running around town sticking his penis into holes and either uploading STDs or downloading babies?

If you are not happy leave

Don’t create scandals

The breakup would have be easier when both couples would sit down and conclude that it’s no longer working instead of creating tv drama to end the marriage

There is nothing more painful than having to deal with a spouse or partner who is not emotionally and physically in the relationship anymore. The beautiful memories would be marred with tears and regret.
Lala is a beautiful woman.  I believe she is better off without Carmelo. Let him go please. Next!!!!!!

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY EX

It started with the phonecall, the voicemail, the text all in that order.

You got my contact info from a friend and the chase began

You checked on me on your breaks at work, you sent me text messages

We talked for hours, opened up to each other, shread secrets, joys, sadness

The list goes on, we became a part of each others lives

I accepted your burdens, your baggage, your past, your vulnerabilites, your insecurities but mine was a sight for sore eyes.

Only to wake up on a Friday morning to realize the whole thing was over.

I wanted you to realize that i wanted to be there for you like no other

I wanted to take care of you when you were ill

I wanted to grow with you

Then i realized maybe we didnt want the same things,

Maybe i was not worth hanging onto in time of difficulty

Maybe i was not the definition of the women you wanted to spend your lie with even when that was what you said. Actions speak louder than words,

The “maybes” are your problem not mine.

There is no need to hang around because you have picked another, and another

 

I chose to love you

I made the commitment to love you but you faltered

You looked for reasons to leave

I love myself

People love me unconditionally and i find comfort in that knowledge

I am worthy of someone who loves me wholly and completely

I am also worthy of getting unconditional love because it is something i am willing to give.

To anyone reading this, self love is utmost. You are the best thing that will ever happen to someone in your future and dont ever think for one second that you are not good enough.