relationship · Uncategorized · wedding

THE WEDDING LIST

Hello Trybe

Its been a busy month for me and last weekend was the busiest.

There was a wedding and it was a beautiful wedding.

One of the most stressful parts of planning a wedding in my own opinion is the guest list

Who are you inviting?

How many guests are coming?

In the United States the average cost for a wedding is $32000.

I could start a business with that amount of money and reap awesome rewards.

Why would i want to spend $32000 on a wedding? But again it happens. Its a once in a lifetime thing, its a milestone so i should be hapy to spend such money to celebrate it.

The cake, the hall, decorations, photographer, dj, wedding dress and suits, bridesmaids and groomsmen suits, flower arrangements, the food and so many other things.

Feeding guests is about $80- $100 a plate. Multiply that by two hundred and fifty people.

All these preparations for just a few hrs, is the average $32,000 worth it for a few hrs?

I love weddings don’t get me wrong but these days weddings are becoming over rated. All the hype just for a few hours. The reception is usually the best part and has the most guests.

The church just has the major role players watch the union, the parents, siblings, close friends and the well wishers. Everyone else at the reception come there for the food and entertainment and i am just being realistic. I am one of those people.

I cannot even remember the last time i went to the church to watch a couple get married.

Some sermons are long and depending on the weather especially if it is hot, i want to leave. Note to self: The Pastor should make the ceremony at my wedding forty five minutes.Amen!!!

So let’s get back to the guests, who should you invite to your wedding? Who would i ideally invite to my wedding.

Typically being a Nigerian with a lot of “friends”. From childhood, high school, few from college, work and then my current social circle. I know a lot of people. I am an extrovert and i tend to meet and acquaint with people easily. My family members also have a lot of friends and that makes it a lot of people from my side of the family at my wedding. So imagine i get proposed to within the next year and i have to plan a wedding who am i inviting? It’s na

Hello Trybe

It’s been a busy month for me and last weekend was the busiest.

There was a wedding and it was a beautiful wedding.

One of the most stressful parts of planning a wedding in my own opinion is the guest list

Who are you inviting?

How many guests are coming?

In the United States the average cost for a wedding is $32000.

I could start a business with that amount of money and reap awesome rewards.

Why would i want to spend $32000 on a wedding? But again it happens. Its a once in a lifetime thing, its a milestone so i should be happy to spend such money to celebrate it.

The cake, the hall, decorations, photographer, DJ, wedding dress and suits, bridesmaids and groomsmen suits, flower arrangements, the food and so many other things.

Feeding guests is about $80- $100 a plate. Multiply that by two hundred and fifty people.

All these preparations for just a few hrs, is the average $32,000 worth it for a few hrs?

I love weddings don’t get me wrong but these days weddings are becoming over rated. All the hype just for a few hours. The reception is usually the best part and has the most guests.

The church just has the major role players watch the union, the parents, siblings, close friends and the well wishers. Everyone else at the reception comes there for the food and entertainment and i am just being realistic. I am one of those people.

I cannot even remember the last time I went to the church to watch a couple get married.

Some sermons are long and depending on the weather especially if it is hot, i want to leave. Note to self: The Pastor should make the ceremony at my wedding forty five minutes. Amen!!!

So let’s get back to the guests, who should you invite to your wedding? Who would I ideally invite to my wedding?

Typically being a Nigerian with a lot of “friends”. From childhood, high school, few from college, work and then my current social circle. I know a lot of people. I am an extrovert and i tend to meet and acquaint with people easily. My family members also have a lot of friends and that makes it a lot of people from my side of the family at my wedding. So imagine i get proposed to within the next year and i have to plan a wedding who am i inviting? It’s natural for my parents to want to bring their friends and invite this person and that person. Hold up right there!!!!!!

No!!!!!!!

So let me get a sieve and remove what i need, the rest will remain on the filter.  Typically i want a small and intimate wedding, I was in Laguna Hills the first week in August and the wedding had fewer than a hundred and twenty people. Everything was perfect. Once there are too many people at a wedding, especially a Nigerian wedding, things start moving to the left. Some form of chaos will develop, everyone is suddenly part of the planning and they always have to say something.

Let me plan my wedding in my head in a few words. I will most definitely get a wedding planner/coordinator. None of the planning will be done by any of my friends. I am a stickler for having things done a certain way and when people don’t meet up to my expectations i get disappointed, its worse when its even done for free so i would rather pay someone to get it done. I also don’t want to lose friends in arguments about what could have been. Anyway why would you not pay someone? Time is money.

I intend to have two hundred and fifty people max. Half comes from my list and the other half is his list.  So my ideals are:

  1. Family: Grandparents, Parents and siblings are priority. Extended family members like aunts, uncles, cousins can be considered depending on the relationship with them. Is it cordial? Would there be drama? I don’t want anyone acting a soap opera at my wedding.
  2. Friends: Current friendships on a daily, weekly or monthly basis are priority. I know we are adults and have move on some friends we would love to invite but if i cannot, i would be glad to share my day with them on social media and i am saying this with a kind heart. I have gotten to a stage in life where i cannot take things too personal especially with people i hardly talk to or keep in touch with.
  3. Colleagues: I would only invite colleagues i would like to have at my wedding. And i hope he does too.
  4. Children: This is a tough one, they would probably have their own space because i don’t want kids running around when the reception program is going on. I also love having kids at a wedding because they can pick money sprayed by adults (Nigerian adults), they are closest to the ground. Aso ebi girls make their outfits so grand they may not be able to bend down to pick money.
  5. They don’t live in your city: It’s tough to invite people who don’t live in your area or state, they have to be really close to me to want to spend the money to fly to watch me get married and i do have friends like that, and that is because i would do the same for them.

With a list like this it would be very easy to make my decisions.

There would be wedding crashers. In my head I am still deciding what to do with wedding crashers, they would probably have their own table, and I would make two or three tables so when I am watching my wedding video I would see who crashed the wedding. (laughs in Japanese). I can also look across the room from my seat and see who was able to crash the wedding and have a good laugh with “Mr Man”.

I love weddings but an intimate small wedding with details is what I really need.

I will leave my list at the door so check your names and your tables at the door. I want my wedding to be like Judgment Day, if your name is not there, you weren’t invited. No hard feelings, i only want to pay for what i can afford.

 

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movie · relationship

GRAPEFRUIT TECHNIQUE

Hello Trybe,

Its the end of the month and this weekend is about to be a blast!!

It was hot and popping yesterday when i went to watch “Girl’s Trip”.

If you haven’t seen it, please do so, you are guaranteed to laugh till you want to pee.

So there was a part in the movie where Dina was telling her friend how to give fellatio with grapefruit.

That part was so funny, i literaly cried, my mascara ran all over my face.

Who has ever given fellatio with fruit?

What did it feel like?

I want to try it with my man *hides faces*

I heard about the juice dripping into the urethra and burning him when he trieds to pee. Maybe i should use a different fruit with succulent juice. How does fruit or food work during sex? The closest i have tried is whipped cream and the fellow was more woried about his bedsheets than enjoying the moment.

When i do it, i will post my experience.

 

 

Feature · relationship

THE SEX TAPE

 

 

Hello Trybe!!!!

It’s been a hot weekend, so hot that the makeup on my face has turned my face into two different countries. Hope you have been keeping cool out there.

Empires have risen after viral sex tapes hit the internet. One of the first names that come to my mind when i hear the word “Sex tape” is Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Apart from their sex tape which probably yielded a lot of money, the attention the media gave them allowed them to craft into a lot of store departments selling their own branded products. Do you see where this got them? Other celebrities who have done sex tapes are

Pamela Anderson

Hulk Hogan

Eve

Jennifer Lopez

Kid Rock

Tila Tequila

And so on…..

So what on earth would make a person record their sexual escapades or should i call them sexual fantasies? Kim Kardashian made that sex tape with Ray J and she became famous. Famous!!!!!

I have never done a sex tape and i would not consider doing a sex tape ever. Not even with my husband. Some people enjoy watching themselves give pleasure to another person. It is fine, but not with me.

Sex on its own is an activity that requires a lot of energy. I would not diffuse the energy that brings about a lot of pleasure and then record it. Sex is for that moment and it ends there, anything else after putting on your clothes and minding your own business is just for the memory.

The internet remains undefeated. People can also be very mischievous or vengeful depending on the situation, so guess what happens, the sex tape you did with your high school boyfriend/girlfriend ends up on the internet either as a result of a bet or just plain mischief. I mean let’s say i meet a guy i am crazy in love with, like absolutely crazy in love with, then i decide to make a sex tape with him because in my little head we are going to last forever, have kids, grandkids, build empires, travel the world, that kind love. About eight months to two years later, we break up. There are those crazy sex tapes we made, put it on some USB and forgot about them. On a day he felt like being vengeful or mischievous he puts a preview on his private Instagram page for his followers and takes it down within an hour, then uploads it to a porno site.

So some porno watching fan will see me in the store somewhere and start a convo like

Stranger:”I think i have seen you before”

Me: Really? Where?

Stranger: I think i watched your porno video.

Me: (speechless)

I don’t even think i have thought of what i would do to save face, but i have actually imagined such a moment and i don’t ever want that moment to happen so i won’t make a sex tape.

Sex is a powerful thing. It gives a lot of pleasure and it also destroys, it has destroyed friendships, marriages, businesses and even political careers. Imagine you want to be a president or a mayor someday and then the video of your sexcapade shows up. It is a recorded action, your life has become a reality show. Then anger and revenge comes out, who sent it? Who told? Who did? It would be too late to do damage control. What am i driving at?

Sex tapes are more destructive than useful so why do it in the first place. It is not something that one person is proud to show another person so why waste your time making a sex tape. It can also be used as blackmail most especially when someone does not get their way. It has destroyed potential political careers. Unless i decide to become a porn star which is quite unlikely, i won’t make a sex tape. I have had freaks as boyfriends in the past and the craziest fantasy ever was a ……actually it was not a sex tape (smiles).

Whether you are in a relationship or not? Would you ever make a sex tape? Whose sex tape would you watch? (Smiles and runs away). Have a hot week.

 

 

 

 

relationship

DISCUSSING THE EX WITH THE PRESENT, IS IT A GOOD IDEA?

Hello Tribe!!!!

It’s been a minute since I wrote

Relationships are sweet and beautiful in the early stages. The honeymoon phase is usually the best, the need to share and bond comes in.

Questions are asked like. What is your favorite color?

Do you like ice cream?  What are your financial goals? Are you buying a house next year? How many people have you slept with? Sex with condoms or nah?

Everything is perfect.

Everything is bliss.

And then you get the question about your “ex”.

Would you discuss your ex with your current partner?

That was me once upon a time when I was like an open book, quick to share my experiences with my exes, good or bad. I had no problem sharing information but then there was this dude that I dated, he came into my life and changed everything

It all began when I was in love and happy with the new man in my lifetime, everything was perfect, sharing information was nothing. I felt like I was writing in my diary, I felt like I was sharing it with the one who would not judge me.

One day, it backfired. We got into an argument and he brought up the past, the things I said, made reference to my ex, he had to find something to hold onto. I could not believe that a man who claimed to love me would use my past as a reference point in a argument. I learned a valuable lesson, let the past be past, unless the information is necessary, don’t bring it up. I operate on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy and I guess it is going to work for me. Some men feel threatened when they find out your ex may have been more handsome and probably made more money. Don’t  talk about the restaurants and nightclubs you and your ex once hung out. It is very uncomfortable. I would feel the same way too.  Also don’t talk about what your ex bought you as a present, some people can’t handle those types of truth. Have you ever been so honest with someone that you ended up feeling bad for doing so?

I have been in that situation.

For the potential Bae reading this I will tell you one thing .I don’t want to know how many women you dated or slept with, also don’t put a face to her when you tell me. Some things are better left unsaid.

 

 

fiction · Uncategorized

HEAD OF STATE SERIES 2

‘You are wasting time Jamila’ Mrs Okeke said to me, the tone in her voice sounded impatience.

I looked at her helplessly and then turned to look at my classmates who gave me the look of lost hope.

“I am still waiting for you to start” Mrs Okeke said.

I put the marker on the board and write a 2 before the Cl. It was one of the numbers I remembered seeing when I briefly glanced at Bola’s notebook. I looked at Mrs Okeke for approval but the look on her face was otherwise. I was confused. I did not understand how to balance equations so even if Bola was wrong I would not know. I turned around to look at my classmates for validation, most of them had a confused look on their face and I didn’t even know what that meant either. Was I doing the right thing or didn’t they know what the answer was? I became more and more confused but I tried to hide it by acting as if I was thinking.

“What are you thinking about?” Mrs Okeke asked as she grabbed a huge cane from the table behind her.  I heard someone gasp. The revelation of a cane meant trouble. I have never been flogged in my entire life, not my parents and not anyone else. The thought of being flogged terrified me.

” I don’t know where to start from” I said. I had to give u p because I realized the longer I spent in front of the blackboard, the more angry it made her so I had to spare one or both of us the emotional trauma .

She laughed. I turned around to stare at my classmates. By this time Bola had put her face in her hands. Mrs Okeke pointed at Winifred who was sitting by the window. Winifred stood up and walked to the whiteboard. I gave her the marker and she began to plug numbers into the equation. I watched her cross off numbers and add numbers to the other side of the equation and looked at it to make sure she had balanced it out perfectly. She looked at Mrs Okeke for validation.

“Winifred you are missing one more, count and make sure that they are balanced on both sides, if there are two chorines on one side, there has to be two chlorine son the other side, so check and make sure” Mrs Okeke said. I stood beside Winifred shameful. It was so embarrassing to watch my classmate solve a problem so quickly. Winifred looked at the equation and she seemed to find what she had done wrong. She took the blackboard eraser and wiped out what she had previously written and then corrected herself. Mrs Okeke beamed with a smile I had never seen before.

“Great job” Mrs. Okeke said.

“Thank you” Winifred replied and quickly gave me a consoling glance.

” You may go back to your seat” Mrs. Okeke instructed her and she briskly walked back to her seat leaving me standing beside Mrs Okeke who looked at me and shook her head in what I would call disappointment

“Why are you wasting your time taking this class Jamila? You apparently have no clue what is going on in here for you to stand in front of the board for good two minutes and not know where to start when it comes to balancing equations.” She told me. I could not say a word. She was right. Why was I taking chemistry instead of government? I didn’t like science but my father wanted me to be a medical doctor or a pharmacist.  He didn’t want me in government, most of his colleagues had children who went to school in Europe and studied noble professions. During official dinners, the parents would discuss the success of their children in their various schools and professions and it was my father’s ambition to also have something to talk about. My mother could care less.

And because my mother cared less and my father wanted me to do something against my will, it landed me in this predicament right in front of the blackboard in an embarrassing situation.

‘Jamila I am talking to you’ Mrs Okeke said interrupting my thoughts.

‘I didn’t know’ I responded. I really didn’t know what to say in this situation. She looked as if she was about to explode in anger.

“Don’t allow your parents to waste money sending you to school and you are not learning anything?”Mrs Okeke said. I was quiet. What made her think that my parents finances was any of her business, her job was just to teach me and allow me assimilate the material not wonder if my parents spend millions. It is my tuition that also pays her too.  She gave the cane to Wendy who was sitting by the door. Wendy hesitatingly took the cane from her.

“You are going to flog Jamila,” Mrs Okeke instructed Wendy who looked shocked. Wendy looked at the rest of the class. She could not believe what Mrs Okeke had just told her to do.

“I can’t ma, I am sorry” Wendy told Mrs Okeke

“I beg your pardon?”Mrs Okeke asked. Her voice had changed and she sounded hostile, she did not like any form of defiance to her orders and it seemed like Wendy was trying to do so.

“I can’t flog Jamila” Wendy told her with an uneasy look on her face.

“I am instructing you to flog her and that is an order” Mrs Okeke yelled angrily at Jamila. Wendy looked at me, and then she looked at Mrs Okeke and put the cane of the table and folded her arms. I heard someone gasp.

“You won’t flog Jamila?”Mrs Okeke asked, Wendy shook her head in response.

“Very well then, I will flog the both of you, I will flog you for being disobedient and I will flog Jamila for not attempting to get the correct answer to the question.”Mrs Okeke informed as she took the cane from the table and tapped it slowly but painfully on Wendy’s back. She flinched.calculator-scientific

books · Uncategorized

HEAD OF STATE SERIES PT 1

CHAPTER ONE

The driver dropped me off in the official car. My father was out of state for an official function, my mother was in Dubai at a women’s conference. It was just the domestic staff, I and my siblings at home. We were sheltered and could not leave the house without the guidance of the domestic staff.

It was the basic instruction from our parents and disobedience to that would lead to a great punishment

I walked towards the science block where the first period class was currently holding. It was chemistry. My teacher, Mrs Okeke was a petite, light skinned lady with short silky hair and sideburns. She was rather hairy and also showed some signs of growing a beard and also some on her chest.

She was very strict and had a shrill voice which I found rather irritating. She was standing in front of the black board teaching the class of twenty eight students.

I hesitantly walked in quietly and went to my seat.

“Jamila, why are you just coming to school?” She asked me in a loud voice. I could see twenty eight pairs of eyes staring at me waiting for an explanation for my tardiness. Where was I going to start though?

“I am sorry there was traffic on the way to school” I replied knowing that I had just told a lie that would take me straight to hell if I died immediately.

“That is not a good excuse, sit down immediately” she said sounding irritated. I sat down in my chair. My seat partner Bola smiled at me. She wrote on a piece of paper and passed it to me. I took the paper and opened it.

“She is in a bad mood this morning. We didn’t do well on the last test so be careful”

She was such a terrible teacher, no surprise that the class was not doing well. I nodded my head in acknowledgement to the note that I had just read. Bola was really nice to me. Most of the girls in my class were very competitive and some of them were not very friendly. I didn’t have to worry too much because we were not in the same circle.

I pulled out my notebook from my backpack and my pen and opened it to copy what Mrs Okeke had written on the blackboard. Mrs Okeke was staring at me. She looked angry but was short of words. She had written a chemical equation on the board that needed to be balanced.

2CL + H2 + SO4 ~> HCl + _______

The topic for almost a week in this class was balancing equations. The class had a test last week on the topic and it was as if she borrowed questions from A Level exams. Everyone in class broke a sweat on the test. Today, she was going to use this hideous equation asd6 class practice, i copied the equation into my notebook.

‘Have any of you solved the problem yet?’ She asked. There was a puzzled look on some of my classmates’ faces. She got a little impatient and repeated the question. There was silence, no one answered, pencils scratched notebooks, everyone had their eyes on their work but no answers came forth.

‘Lolade?’ Mrs Okeke said looking at a petite, dark skinned girl who sat by the window with her best friend Rosa. Lolade was incredibly smart and everyone in class revered her.

‘I am still trying to balance the equation’ Lolade responded looking frustrated. Mrs Okeke’s eyes started scanning the room. I did my best to avoid her eyes and started pretending to solve the equation. I didn’t even know how to start balancing the equation not to talk of solving it. My partner Bola looked at me helplessly. The apprehension in the room began to heighten.

‘Are you all trying to tell me you can’t solve this simple problem?’ She asked. No one responded and I also didn’t look up to see her face but i could hear the anger in her voice.

‘I will just choose someone myself’ she said. This was the worst thing to do because she could randomly choose anyone and it was a fifty percent chance for me to get called out or not get called out. My heart began to beat very fast

I kept staring at my notebook, I had to try to solve the problem just in case whoever she pocked to answer failed the question.

‘Jamila’ Mrs Okeke called out, I raised my head and saw her staring at me waiting for my response,

‘Yes ma’ i replied.

‘Come to the board and solve the equation ‘ she instructed. I hesitantly stood up, Bola looked nervously at me. I glanced at her notebook to see what she was solving so that i could have an idea of what to write on the board. I shuffled out of my seat and nervously walked to the board. The class was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. I was the official class scape goat and this time i was going to be roasted in class today as a burnt offering because the probability of me solving the equation on the board correctly was equal to zero.

I got to the front of the class, she handed me a black marker to write on the white board.

I stood there, I was blank. Cl stood for chlorine, H2 was hydrogen and then SO4 was tetra sulfate and that was all i knew. I failed to grasp the mathematical aspect when she was teaching. My home tutor usually did my homework so i never tried to practice, as long as the answers to the homework were correct and i had a chance if getting a good grade in the class,that was all that mattered to me.

‘You are wasting time Jamila’ Mrs Okeke said to me, the tone in her voice sounded impatience.

I looked at her helplessly and then turned to look at my classmates who gave me the look of lost hope.

relationship

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

 

DOES YOUR RELATIONSHIP HAVE CONDITIONS?

I thoroughly enjoyed The Rants show today. Lately i have been approached with the idea of becoming an FWB especially after just having a relationship. Honestly speaking i am enjoying playing the open field, not belonging to anything or anyone for right now.

So a friend with benefits relationship is supposed to be one where two “friends” have a consensual sexual relationship with no strings attached. The strings are “emotions” or “expectations”. So how does this work knowing well that one person is bound to fall in love and feelings will get hurt.  A very good question.

Does your relationship have conditions? Should you have a friends with benefits relationship?

From a realistic point of view, it is not a smart idea, but again it depends on how you approach it, but then again, you are only responsible for yourself. Don’t ever assume the other person has your best interest at heart even though they say so. Put yourself first, you will save yourself from a lot of heartache later.

So who is a potential friend with benefits? Strangers. I am not saying you should run into the street and hook up with some random person, what i am saying is that you are better off with someone who has minimal investment of interest and emotions with you. Don’t hook up with your friend of over ten years who has been having the itch to crawl in bed with you, chances are you will end the benefits as enemies. Do not be Friends with Benefits with your coworker that usher from church, that chick in your class. The odds of happy endings are limited so save yourself the walk of shame when the time comes.

The “Catching Feelings” part is the biggest danger. Good sex can be confused with love; it keeps you longer than you want to stay especially when the relationship is a dead zone. Catching feelings will make you panic when there is nothing to panic about, keeps you up when the other friend is sleeping soundly. You start losing your mind when in reality you lost your mind from the get go when you opted to be a FWB when other better options of being single or being in a relationship are available, that is insanity at its finest.

With friends with benefits, its usually a Netflix and Chill scenario, chill in the sense of “having sex”. Sleep over’s and pajama parties are a “no”. Do not initiate spooning and wake up feeling shameful in the morning, those occurred after making bad decisions, drinking a glass of wine and shagging the brains off, yes in that order.

Jealousy is also one of the red flags; the “friend” goes with another friend, maybe a potential bae. Jealousy is not allowed here, the option was chosen from the get go, so getting mad and getting even is like knocking one’s head on bricks. Guess who has the headache. You!!

In the age where STD’s and unwanted pregnancies are no longer a surprise, protect yourself, use a condom to prevent STI’s, use birth control to prevent unwanted pregnancies. Condoms are cheaper than diapers.

The Maury Show and Dr Phil have guests explaining what does not need to be explained, as consenting adults who are in it for benefits, it is best to prevent these things before they happen.

Social media and social gatherings should be kept at the bare minimum or made non existent. The social media is the quickest way to find out stuff that will cause emotional torment, lurking Facebook pages, looking for who liked what on Instagram, becoming an unpaid FBI intern, is the quickest way to have sleepless nights. The social gatherings which include close friends and family should be “no go zones”. The relationship should only exist in the bedroom, some would beg to differ and say, “lunch”, “dinner” “a movie somewhere”. Well these are minimal investments. the most important benefit is the sex, if not please do your HEART a favor and stay single, go to lunch, dinner or a movie somewhere with your friends, the regular friends. *wink*