10 Important Lessons I have learned in life.

1. Wisdom is the principal thing. In all things in life, if you want to acquire anything, acquire wisdom first. It would help you make better decisions, relationship wise, health wise and financially. If you have to pray for anything, pray for wisdom.
2. Who you marry is a major decision. It can make you or wreck you. If you marry the right partner, your life will move in a positive direction. If you marry the wrong person, it would be all regrets and wasted time. Get to know a person first, before committing to anything, including sex. Your sense of judgment won’t be clouded, and the love bombing that narcissists easily give would be perceived easily and avoided.
3. Failure doesn’t define you, it just shows you have tried and it didn’t work. Start again and use a different approach. Most importantly, learn from your mistakes and understand why you failed.
4. Do not compare yourself with others. Everyone has their struggles. Your page fifty can be someone else’s page eleven. Instead, live a life that compels others to strive to be like you. Some people have money, but poor health. All the money in the world cannot buy an extra minute in life. If you have good health and laughter in your life, you are doing well, if I must say.
5. Spend time with your parents. We are getting old and they are getting older. Such a beautiful transformation. We don’t need an excellent eulogy at their funeral, when we can appreciate them while they are still here.
6. Nobody will save you. You can only save yourself.
7. Form the weird habit of being yourself. Do t be like anyone else, just you. Someone out there is manifesting you. If certain people don’t like you, that’s not your problem. Not everyone has great taste in people, and also remember that you are not for everyone.
8. Be careful who you trust. You can only vouch for and trust yourself. Take people at face value, and when a person shows you who they are, believe them.
9. The only teacher that gives you the test first and the lesson afterwards is experience. Make sure you learn the lesson if you fail the test.
10. Remove unhealthy connections, family, friends or things. As you evolve, you will outgrow certain people and things. It’s fine

9 Things you can practice in your New Year

You don’t have to wait for a New Year to make changes in your life.

It’s a New Year, and halfway into the month of January. It is also time when that New Year, new me talk is in order. The good news is that you do not have to wait for a new year to practice anything that will change your life. You can start where you are.

  1. Do the impossible: As kids, we had a wild imagination of what we wanted to be and also things we wanted in life. We don’t get past those imaginations if we don’t work on them. Do what you were told as a kid that you would not accomplish. Push the limits you currently have.

2. Do a little more everyday: Keep working on projects. Find creative things to do, just start. If it will make you money, best believe you have to push at it everyday to get results. Are you trying to lose weight? Are you brushing up your resume? Do you need a better prayer life? You have to start from somewhere and work actively at it everyday.

3. Journal: I started a reflection and prayer journal in 2019. Looking back three years later, I can see how much I have grown. I also have a track record of problem solving in my life. I can go into the pages and see how it has helped me, and how it can help someone else. The little areas in your life are important, and every minute you improve will have a tremendous result on your person in the long run.

4. Keep your own company: Spending time with yourself is the best form of self discovery. You can set boundaries, create schedules, read books. Starting hobbies is fulfilling. You can self care. An hour of meditation or prayer will do a lot.

5. Stop giving the best parts of yourself to the wrong people: You are good enough. You are not good enough for the wrong person/people. Do not take it personal. Not everyone has great taste in people. Treat yourself like a valuable commodity that should not be easily accessible to the public.

6. Forgive: Do not carry the weight of unforgiveness into the New Year. Forgiveness is a burden carried by the one who bears it, not the one who offended you. Forgive yourself for ignorance, for mistakes. Forgive your friends and family for hurting you. Forgive your past, because your future is brighter. If you are hurting in any way, you need forgiveness to help heal from what you are dealing with.

7. Remove Imposter Syndrome: For many years, I suffered from Imposter Syndrome, where I felt that whatever I had accomplished, I was not worthy of. Everything good that comes to you in life is what you deserve. The degree, the great job, the beautiful relationship, the promotion, you deserve it if you worked hard for it. Do not underestimate what you are capable of. Remember that there are people out there who are not as qualified as you are doing things. It is because they believe in themselves, and you should too.

8. Be Happy: Happiness is an inside job. You have the power to make yourself happy. Besides, you glow differently when you are happy.

9. Health and fitness : This should be a priority. In the middle of a pandemic, the worst thing to have is poor health. Eat healthy food, go for outdoor exercise. Drink a lot of water and get enough sleep.

5 lessons I learned from dating a Narcissist.

You may think you are in love until it is too late.

Sooooooooo I dated a narcissist.

I never knew the true definition of a narcissist until a few years later. I wish I knew this earlier, it would have saved me a lot of tears. Narcissists appear normal, just like you and I. A charming personality, oozing with perfection, and then the road becomes dark and painful.

It started with love bombing. He said all sorts of sweet things to pull me in. I fell head over heels in love with him. He acted like a true gentleman, owned and dined me. He bought me roses. It was the typical thing you would expect from someone when you are in a relationship. I felt like I had found the one. He wanted to get married, have kids, build a life. He said the right words tugged on the strings of my heart the way he felt would pull me in. Looking back, I realized I meant nothing. I was discarded like used toilet paper. I was not even sure he was the same person.

He was insecure. It was the first thing I noticed about him. He always needed validation from me. Initially, I thought seeking validation was just to be on the same page with me when it came to making decisions. It was because he didn’t feel like he could make good decisions. He hid behind the shadow of my wisdom. He also became clingy. He always wanted to control who I spent time with and talked to. He would threaten to stop talking to me if I did not adhere to his requests. I found it doubly odd. He was the kind that could end long-term friendships because of his needs. He was selfish.

The discard stage hurt. We had no quarrels or anything. He stopped talking to me. In the attempt to find out why, he said there was nothing wrong, and he wanted to move on.

It was funny that after the first few days of breaking up, he checked on me to see how I was doing. I genuinely thought he felt remorse, but it was not that. He wanted to absolve himself of guilt by acting like he cared, and also making sure I was not angry. We remained friends, but I learned valid lessons along the way.

  1. He was an extremely fragile person. He exuded so much confidence, but behind the confidence was a fragile man whose ego was easily bruised, and it only took one slight to shatter him. He also had a knack for keeping grudges.
  2. He also showed an exaggerated self importance. He was extremely arrogant. He claimed to have high standards, but they only existed in words and not actions. I also realized he had no standards when it came to choosing women. He preyed on the emotions of single women looking to settle down. He also had a lot of sexual escapades and loved dating women who were less likely to look for commitment.
  3. I noticed he had no long-term friends. He had no one he was accountable to for his behavior. This is a red flag, because he never admitted to fault and would always find a way to blame me.
  4. He was always right. He was never wrong about anything. Challenging him on anything was never a good idea.
  5. Gas lighting was something I experienced, and I knew I was done. I was made to feel that anything in the relationship that went wrong was always my fault. I was walking on eggshells literally. We could go from having a cheerful and happy conversation to a full blown argument. I found myself apologizing for things I didn’t do or say just to keep the peace. In this way, I am slowly losing myself.

When you find yourself in a toxic relationship like this, it is not easy to walk away, but please do. It is for your sanity. Physical abuse is bad. Emotional abuse is deadly.

Walk away because you are worth more, you have family and friends that love you. There are beautiful people who want to come into your life and bring out the best in you. Do not deprive yourself of that opportunity by being with a narcissist.

In the long run, it takes a while to dissociate from this bond. Get the support of your friends and family, and definitely a therapist.

CONFESSIONS OF A CHEATING WIFE (4)

My body trembled whenever Osas approached me.
I want to say it trembled in a good way or tremble is not the right word to use in this case. It was like a craving that will never go away. Osas was an addiction for a long time. Sometimes I felt like I needed therapy to get over him. I felt pity for any woman who came across him because he was like a drug. An overdose of Osas still won’t kill, that was how toxic he was, it was the craving for more of him that was dangerous.
I stood still.
“I know you don’t bite,” I responded slightly embarrassed because he caught me taking a step or two back. The couple standing beside me walked into the elevator. A few more people walked into the elevator and the doors closed. Osas and I were left standing in front of the elevator doors.
“You look great,” He said as he admired me from head to toe. I knew it. I killed my look today. The saying “dress like you are going to run into your enemy”, it works.
“Thanks,” I responded with a sense of urgency. I was meeting up someone and ended up running into someone else. He didn’t respond I tried my best to avoid his eyes. I could feel his eyes on my chest. It was like he was going back and forth between my face and my chest.
I stared at the elevator doors praying that the elevator will come back down and open up so I could walk away from Osas. A young woman with two children stepped in front of the elevator. She made eye contact with me and smiled, I smiled back uncomfortably. She held the hands of both children firmly. The boy of maybe about four years was held with her right hand, and a little girl of about two years was firmly held with her left hand.

A part of me prayed that she would get the cue that I was uncomfortable and try to engage me in a conversation, but I was with someone that was not possible. I prayed my phone would ring so I could excuse myself.
“Listen don’t be like that please,” He said as he looked pleadingly into my eyes.

This was the part of the conversation I didn’t want to have.

Not in my beautiful red dress standing in my white pumps, not here not now.
The doors to the elevator opened with the ding sound. The lady and her two small children headed towards the elevator.
“Excuse me,” I said to him “I have somewhere to be” I told him as I walked towards the elevator.

He grabbed my arm, I felt the familiar tingle, the type that I felt when he would hold my hand romantically, but this time it wasn’t romantic. It was just the fact that he touched me. I responded to every touch even though it wasn’t erotic.

Was something actually really wrong with me?

Did I need total cleansing from anything that had to do with him at all?

I thought I had healed from him having any form of effect on me, but I guess it wasn’t so.
“Please stop,” I said to him. “I have a meeting.”
“Can we have a drink this weekend?” He suggested.
He must have some nerve. I thought.
How did he think it’s okay for him to ask me to go out to have a drink with him? before today I hadn’t seen him almost eighteen months.
“No” I responded as I walked towards the elevator. The doors were pulling in close. He still held my hand firmly, I could not understand why. The lady in the elevator put her hands through the doors to prevent them from closing. She had impatient look on her face. I actually thought it was kind of nice for her to wait for me. This little meeting with Osas was going to take a little longer than I expected so I motioned for her to let the doors close and she can go up without me.
“Osas, What do you want from me? “ I asked the question. It didn’t sound so sincere even from me asking it, The question was meant for me. What did I want from him? Why was I still entertaining him? I could have just walked away and acted like we never knew each other or met, but instead I stood and engaged in the conversation with him and now I was asking him what he wanted from me. how hypocritical.
“I just want to spend time with you, we haven’t communicated in a while so I guess it’s just a good way to catch up that’s all.” he said so casually.

He had a whole lot of nerve.

“What makes you think I want to spend time with you?” I asked.

I was getting irritated by the fact that he felt he could waltz back into my life and everything would be cool.

“You always enjoy my company,’ he responded confidently with a smirk.

I gave him the side eye.

He laughed.

I caught myself smiling.

“Listen I know I have not been a good sport and things panned out badly between us, but maybe we can sit and talk.”

Was he trying to convince me?

“No” I said and took my hand off his grip. A tall, man was standing three feet from me waiting for the elevator. The elevator door opened and I rushed into it without looking back. I held my purse and closed my eyes. I heard foot movements of people coming into the elevator. I shut my eyes closed real tight, I didn’t want to see Osas. I heard the doors close and slowly opened my eyes after realizing I had not pressed the button to the floor I was going to.

Osas was standing right beside me.

THE WEDDING GUEST

“If anyone can show why this couple cannot lawfully be joined together in matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.”

The wedding date was January 1 at 3 pm.

You found out about the wedding from your roommate of three years, Pamela.

She was a guest, and you were going to be her plus one. She asked you to go with her, because she had no one else to go with, and she wanted to enjoy the experience in the company of anyone who would accompany her, so she asked you. She also asked you because you were Nigerian, and she knew Nigerians threw elaborate weddings.

You found the link to the wedding site on the invitation card and did a little snooping. You had gone on the wedding website to see the wedding party and information about the wedding. The love story was simple. They met through mutual friends at a game night. They were on the same team and became attracted to each other. She gave him a hard time and finally obliged after three months. They dated for eighteen months. He popped the question while they were in the Maldives for his mom’s birthday. She said ‘Yes”.You rolled your eyes.

You went through the pictures on the site. The wedding shoot was elaborate, they both had white outfits on. The theme was meant to be angelic, or so you thought. She wore a long, white dress and a golden crown on her head. He had on a white kaftan with gold embroidery. They looked great together. In the next set of pictures, she had a red dress on and was playing the piano. He stood by the piano in a black suit. In the last pre wedding photo, she was wearing a navy blue dress, he was wearing a navy blue shirt and black slacks. He was photographed kissing her forehead. You sucked teeth.

You clicked to see the bridal party. The bride’s sister was the maid of honor. You read the bio of the rest of her posse. The groomsmen were handsome, they were all doctors, members of the Sweet Boys Association (handsome, well dressed and bearded men). You sucked teeth.

You decided to plan your entire outfit for the wedding. You decided to look your best, beyond beautiful. There were many eligible bachelors, and you had to snatch one of them for good. You were tired of going to events and being asked where your man was. If Dickson hadn’t been an idiot, you would be married to him. Instead, he left you for the tall, slim and elegant Bola.

The following day, you decided to visit Maryanne, a fashion designer who made trendy clothes for wealthy people. Her shop was on Broad Street, in the middle of a busy downtown area. She had two clients ahead of you who had come to get fired. You smiled and watched them try on their beautiful outfits. After they left, you told Maryanne the reason for your visit. You wanted her to make you a nice outfit on a budget. You pulled out your phone and showed her the picture of a beautiful woman in the outfit you wanted.

“It will cost you though, and this is short notice.” Maryanne said as she eyed you playfully. You and Maryanne attended the same high school. She always had a knack for fashion. You were glad she made a full time hustle out of it.

“I understand, please make me the center of attention,” you told her.

You ended up at the shoe store and picked out a nice pair of metallic stiletto heels. The sales associate talked you into buying. You decided it was a great idea, even though you wanted to stick to your budget.

Bridget, your hairstylist, was stunned when you showed her a picture of the Toni Braxton hair cut you had decided to rock for the wedding. It took her three years to grow your hair into a long, healthy mane. She was reluctant. You insisted. She countered by asking if your outfit had a head wrap. You realized you had not asked to have one made, but you had one that would match your fabric. She agreed to help you tie the head wrap and make you look regal.

On the drive home, you thought about Dickson and how things had ended between you both. Tears began to stream down your cheeks. After dating for four years, it became ashes. His mother didn’t like you. It was a big problem. She had no reason for not liking you, except that you were not in the same social status. Your parents were middle class civil servants. You went to public school like other children you knew. You had good grades to take you to the university. You graduated and found a good job. It was then her son came into your life. He turned your world upside down. Spoiled you with gifts and expensive trips. The day he took you to see his parents, his mom snubbed you, and his dad found himself in an awkward situation of trying to save face. You quarreled with Dickson that night. You told him your relationship won’t work. He begged you and said nothing would come between you, not even his family. The tone of his voice and his pleading eyes, which seemed glassy due to forming tears, convinced you that he was telling the truth.

A few weeks later, you ran into his father while shopping at the Galleria. He told you he would pay for your items. Reluctantly, you agreed, because there was a Ted Baker shoe you had your eyes on. You picked the shoe and agreed to his proposal. He decided to take you to lunch. Lunch was at a fancy upscale restaurant. He asked a lot of questions while you ate. He told you about himself and his children. He asked you not to be angry with his wife. He was nice.

Two weeks later, you found out you were pregnant. You had been feeling dizzy at work and nauseous in the morning. You didn’t add things up until the smell of the coffee your coworker gave you sent you running to the bathroom to empty your guts. You decided to take a pregnancy test, and your fears were confirmed. Dickson was away on a work trip. You decided to wait till he came back to tell him. You confided in Sandra, your cousin.

When Dickson got back, you told him over a candlelit dinner in your dining room. He was not happy. He told you the baby was born out of wedlock, and his family would not approve of it. You were shocked, because he was the same person who would not use protection. You had taken your IUD out because your cousin told you it would mess with you by delaying your conception time when it was time to start a family. He told you to get rid of the pregnancy. You were shocked, because you thought after dating for so long, it would bring you closer. You decide to confide in his father. Maybe it would help. You had dinner with him at his private guest house. You told his father everything, hoping to get advice. His father shows empathy and tells you he would try his best to convince him. Your heart is happy. Things would work out.

Dickson didn’t change, instead he became distant. The calls became less frequent. The text message responses became delayed. He finally blocked your number and deleted you from his social media.Frazzled, you reached out to his father. He invited you to the guest house to see him. You sat on the white sofa crying your eyes out. He told you everything would be alright. He offered you a glass of lemonade and told you to relax.

You woke up in your bed in the middle of the night when a sharp pain hit your abdomen. The pain was excruciating, you could not bear it. You got up and realized there was a pool of blood in the middle of the bed, and it was running down your legs. You panicked and called your cousin Sandra. She was the closest relative who lived in a twenty mile radius. Sandra showed up thirty minutes later and took you to the hospital.

Three hours later, you laid in the hospital bed with tears running down your face, and Sanrda holding your hand, telling you everything would be fine. You lost the baby. The doctor said you ingested a substance that induced you. You stared at him in disbelief. Your mind ran back to the events of the day and realized you had a drink at the guesthouse. It was the lemonade. Who would believe your story?

There was damage to your womb, and you had to get a hysterectomy. It was the most painful moment in your life, after losing both your parents to a motor accident a few years ago. Uncle Pete, Sandra’s father, became your parent. Your dreams of becoming a biological mother were dashed. It hurt more that Dickson had moved on quickly with another woman. You saw it using Sandra’s Instagram page. It hurt.

Weddings and happy couples made you cringe over the years. You were bitter. You went to therapy. After a year, you eased back into your old self, but it was never the same. When Pamela asked you to be her guest, you almost hesitated, but changed your mind. You had not been to a wedding in three years. You decided to look your best, maybe your knight in a shining armor would be there. You were optimistic.

On January 1st, you told Pamela that you would ride separately, because you had to be at a lunch before the wedding. She agreed. You got to the church at 3.15 pm, not to cause a stir. You sat in the back row. The church was filled with family members and well wishers. The service was just starting, the bride stood in front of her groom, and the pastor began the service. They exchanged their vows.

The priest asked

“If anyone can show why this couple cannot lawfully be joined together in matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.”

There was silence.

You raised your hand and brought your hand gun.

There was no way Dickson would marry Bola.

BE THANKFUL.

There is so much to be thankful for this brand New Year.  Some people started 2021 and are no longer here with us. We made it!!!
This year, no matter how bad our day or circumstance is, we should learn to be thankful.
Be thankful even in the face of adversity. It is hard to be thankful when you have bills to pay but no money, when your loved one is ill with a terminal sickness, when your marriage is shaky and you are on the brink of divorce, when your mortgage is due but you don’t have the money to pay it.
Why would you want to be thankful?
Because it could be worse, you could be in a far worse situation than you presently are in. You worry about not having a job, and someone is taking their last breath in the hospital. You worry about not having
nice shoes, meanwhile someone is having their legs amputated because of diabetes or an accident.
Someone out there has it worse than you. People are going through things they don’t talk about. It doesn’t mean you are better than them, but gratitude in the face of adversity is everything.
Do not take the little things in your life for granted.
There is always something to be thankful for everyday. The smile on your children’s faces, your pet loving on you, supportive spouses, family members, great mentors.
Find joy in the little things.
Today, look around you with gratitude for the things and people you have left. The ones who have not left your side, the ones who have wiped your tears, lent you money, laughed with you, celebrated with you.
As long as those are present in your life, you are rich.
Be thankful today and the rest of the year, and see how things turn out for you.