Today would have been Aaliyah’s fortieth birthday. She died in the summer about eighteen years ago in  a plane crash. Two weeks before what would have been her fortieth birthday came the series, Surviving R Kelly.

In my last blog post, I wrote how it bothered me that a thirty year old man would date a fifteen year old girl.

I have two reasons why a man would do so, i would start with the lesser reason and then end with the major one.

Immaturity: This is one reason why a 30 year old man would date a girl between the age of 14-19. I have seen this relationship and in this dynamic, the man is childlike. He is not mature enough to handle a woman his age or maybe older. Women mature faster than men physically and mentally. A man and a woman about the same age are in an entirely different space mentally. What a twenty nine year old woman may desire, a twenty nine year old man would not have fathomed the thought, this makes it frustrating. Some women see this as a turn off especially because they see it as not being able to handle someone who is about the same age as them, this is a form of insecurity and some men are very quick to project their insecurities.

In the case of R Kelly, i cannot say he was insecure in any way. I just think he had a thing for real young girls. These girls were at his beck and call. He was a handsome and rich upcoming artist. Who would not want to be associated with wealth and fame? He lingered on the school grounds of Ken wood High school when he could have found “women”  in any night club while he was on tour, there were tons of barely legal women there and when i say barely legal, i mean young women who had barely just turned eighteen or twenty one. Why did he do this? Its because of Control.

My major reason for the huge age difference in dating/relationships is CONTROL. Teenagers and young women are not quite as experienced as women in other age ranges. it is very easy to manipulate them and it is always to the advantage of the man. An older woman would be able to see past his shenanigans especially because she has once in her life experienced a heart break or watched someone go through relationship problems enough to see red flags. Younger girls are a little more naive and haven’t viewed life beyond the unshattered crystal glass they are looking out of.

R Kelly and Aaliyah got married when he was 27 years old and she was 15 years old in 1994.  They were married without the knowledge and consent of her parents and family. Did she really agree to marry him? Was there any pressure involved?

As much as her family members deny the whole incident and try to brush it under the rug, it just sweeps underlying problems that can be figured out and the lessons used to help other young girls going through the same thing or at least prevent them from dealing with the same thing.

R Kelly was said to have mentored her and helped her out with the album “Age Aint nothing but a number”. This is probably the underlying tone for their relationship. Why should age matter? Its nothing but a number. The number was the problem. The number was attached to laws and the legal system doesn’t lay. If age was nothing but a number, why is alcohol not sold to minors, why are cigarettes not sold to minors? Why is the retirement age 65? Why not 25?

Age is not just nothing but a number. It holds a lot of significance.

If it was just a number, why did they forge papers to get married?

If you are not doing anything wrong, you won’t be hiding in plain sight.


I watched the Surviving R Kelly series on TV yesterday.

It left an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. Most people who were in the docuseries told their individual stories as women, as survivors. They survived his abuse. It was painful to watch. It will haunt them for life.

In the beginning, some twisted inner circle member of R Kelly’s family abused him, even his brother said the same thing. They just won’t say who did it. We all have someone in the inner caucus that was always willing to play dirty with kids.

Caroy ( R Kelly’s brother) said he told Robert who shrugged it off and told him it never happened. According to Caroy, if his brother didn’t believe or rather was in denial of what had happened, how would an adult handle it?

He couldn’t tell his mom, she would not believe him. I don’t understand why an adult would think a child would sit down and make up such a sick story especially when its happening to them.

In the light of this, I want to be the kind of parent that my kid will run to, and tell anything especially if they were touched inappropriately. I want them to be able to tell me what is going on in their lives without feeling defensive or feeling that i would judge them. ~Me

Our parents were always judgmental about things like this especially because molestation was not normal, they were taboos and so they would rather not discuss it.

This is where our generation comes in, we have to break the cycle of sweeping things under the rug or not discussing certain issues because you have to be a certain age.

This is 2019, a ten year old knows certain sexually behaviors that a fifty year old woman refuses to discuss. In a ten year old mind, the only reason it cannot be spoken about openly is because of seeing an adult as an authority and those things cannot be spoken about.

If you got involved in things like this and I mean sex, it would always be your fault, that is the wrong approach. It sounds more like snitching would get you as the snitch in trouble. Most of the time it always does especially when the adult is not held accountable.

His music teacher said that his sexuality was in his music.

He sang about it. He was 26 years old when his first album 12 Play was released.

I was 9 years old then and it was inappropriate for me to listen to but then again it was catchy,it was normal, my peers listened to his music and that album was successful and further launched him into his music career. “Body’s calling” and “Bump and Grind” were my favorite songs from that album.It was in the same way I believed that listening to Adina Howard’s “Freak like me” was also cool.

Kelly is not called the “Pied Piper of R & B” for nothing. If you were into children’s books, you would know that the Pied Pier would use music to draw children to him and they would go for several miles until they got lost. Kelly did this with underage girls, teenagers.

I have always had a problem with men who date girls that have more than a decade age gap especially when they are under twenty one.

It doesn’t apply to a forty year old man dating a twenty eight year old girl because she is old enough to make such decisions, she has probably gone to college and established herself in a profession and is now old enough to make decisions in regards to who she dates and wants to spend the rest of her life with.

I just can’t understand a thirty year old man and a fifteen year old girl, that is just pure madness. I believe the reason why a man would do this is Control.


Last Saturday

To end the year, my friend organized a Girls outing and we had brunch in Napa.

We went on the Napa Wine Train and it was a lovely experience.

We went on the Le Gourmet Express which left the station in Napa at 11.30 am and returned at 2pm.

The first part of the trip was sitting in the lounge area and having drinks and hor douvres.


The latter part was the lunch itself. Lunch started when we got to Saint Helena and started the route going back.



It was a great experience. Two hours just chatting with friends and passing up different wineries in Northern California.